Moon Notes
by Moony's White Wolf
Summary: Lupercilia, the werewolf day of mating, is celebrated later in life. Remus/Sirius post POA Slash


~~~~July~~~~~  
  
From the time Padfoot first pranced into my life, Sirius never missed a moon, unless you count the one hundred sixty- eight cycles that Moony tallied with claw deep hash marks across my flesh. I prefer not to mark these days in my memory; knowing that the hours I spent as a prisoner of the wolf's will was, all told, less than four months. A pittance of time compared with the twelve years my best friend spent rotting in hell.  
  
The first full after his frantic flight from Hogwarts I was flabbergasted to see the large expanse of fur-covered flesh appear at my door just as I was about to secure my home in preparation for the still painful transformation. It had been far too long since Moony had a packmate to run with. And even though I continued to drink myself docile with the bitter potion Dumbledore required Snape to brew, I was able to allow the wolf almost free reign physically as two hyperactive canines shared a jubilant and juvenile jaunt through the surrounding countryside.  
  
It was a brief but beautiful July moon, lasting only six fleeting hours, but those hours were the first truly happy moments I'd experienced since October of 1981. But transforming back is still painful and as usual my fight to remain conscious was short-lived.  
  
Greeted by the long lazy rays of a late afternoon sun, I awoke in my room, clean and covered; a mug of hot charmed tea waiting on the bedside table. But the only thing that remained of Moony's unexpected playmate was a scrap of parchment propped against the black ceramic mug I didn't remember owning. Reaching out with surprisingly little pain, I held the paper at arm's length alleviating the need to acquire my reading specs from the desk on which I'd left them the night before.  
R  
  
I hate the slimy bastard with every fiber of my being, but I am grateful for the inner synchronization his potion allows you to achieve. I ran last night, not with a beast to be controlled, but a fur covered friend whose eyes spoke to my soul from within the visage of a beautiful wolf.  
  
S  
Without thinking, I slipped the note under my pillow and peacefully slept away the remainder of the day.  
  
~~~~~~August~~~~~  
  
In the weeks that followed I thought of my friend often, frequently allowing my mind to travel back to that night in the shack, when once again I saw Sirius as a marauder.and wondered how 'murderer' had ever crossed my lips.  
  
Sirius had been my best mate all through our time at Hogwarts. He was the first to accept me not just as Remus, but as a werewolf. Always acknowledging Moony's presence. Always understanding that to separate us was to deny who I was.and reminding me that I had done enough of that on my own. Sirius had encouraged me to embrace all aspects of my personality without fear or shame. All that is except the one I kept hidden deep inside, hidden even from myself.  
  
As the time before the August moon grew short I wondered if I would again see the tall dark man who I realized was almost a stranger to me. The razor sharp lines of his face and protruding ribs had stabbed at my heart and haunted my dreams. Would he ever forgive me for not fighting harder for the justice he deserved? I had taken the coward's way out, convincing myself that as a werewolf I would do more harm than good if I tried to help him..as if leaving him to rot for twelve years was really a better alternative.  
  
Having heard that Sirius was in hiding and using birds that rivaled the peacock status of his youth for messengers, I quickly banished any thoughts of moonlit meetings from my mind. To be here for the wolf Sirius would have to apperate and the risk of being caught was far too great to chance.  
  
When you are waiting to have your flesh and bones violently rearranged, the twilight hours of late summer seem to last forever. On this night the moon would rise at 10:49 and set at 5:28. The wolf would have less than seven hours to fight the effects of the potion while I tried to relax locked in the safety of my reinforced cottage.  
  
At 10:30 I double checked the locks and spells that would easily contain the razor sharp claws, should for some reason the potion not work properly, and walked slowly back to the tiny kitchen to secure my wand on a shelf above the fireplace. Stopping at the threshold I was faintly aware of the idiotic grin pulling at the corners of mouth as I met the sapphire blue eyes of a creature thought to be the omen of death.  
  
"I'll take it that I should plan instead on an outdoor adventure," I chuckled as the playful pup tugged at my sleeve, dragging me quickly toward the backdoor, while still managing to wag his tail with a force greater than the limbs of the whomping willow.  
  
Selfishly I made no mention of his dangerous trip or of my carefully concealed pleasure at the sight of his unexpected presence, hoping instead that the morning would bring the opportunity for face to furless face conversation.  
  
Though slightly longer than July's, the moon of the eighth month was still too short for the canine's content.  
  
This time our path led us along the silent stream that marked the border of Dumbledore's property. The cozy cottage I cared for also belonged to the kind and concerned headmaster. A man to whom I owed my life. A man who sheltered me from seven years of prejudice and hatred by inviting me to Hogwarts and placing me in the hands of James, Sirius and Peter. He never regretted his choice of allowing me the opportunity to be properly educated. I know this to be fact; for as I stood in his office only eight short weeks ago, arguing the necessity of my resignation, he told me of his pride in my accomplishments. The conversation had been brief, but his final words, buzzed quietly in corners of my mind.  
  
'Remus, over the years your courage, skills and commitment to the light have been tested and proven worthy time and again, but still the wizarding world has shunned you and that may never change. But *soon* you will know peace. Until that time comes, be patient.'  
Suddenly I thought I fully understood Albus's words. I once again had a friend, a friend who had risked his safety the last two months to be with me. A friend who had cared for my physical well-being when it was so very difficult for me to do so on my own. Now if only my friend would stay long enough for a cup of tea and a brief chat I would feel almost alive again..almost human.  
  
But once again I was greeted by a note and tea to sip while I read it.  
  
Remus  
  
Harry will be heading back to Hogwarts soon. He wrote me an odd note in which he did a very poor job of trying to say nothing about something in a casual sort of way. If you would please be alert for any information from Dumbedore I'd very much appreciate it.  
  
Sirius  
  
P.S. Thanks for at least cleaning the blood off my nose after you so rudely chased me into that thorn bush...your tongue tickles.  
  
S  
Folding up the parchment I placed it gently in the drawer of my bedside table along with its predecessor, mentally noting to increase the dosage of next month's potion. Moony had to be stopped. I would not lose my friend, to the wolf's desires that should have faded long ago.  
  
Worried now for Harry's safety I owled Albus to inquire about the boy's situation, feeling very sorry that Sirius was not able to give Harry a home with him as he would have so loved. Of course, I was the reason that they could not be together. If only I'd remembered to take the potion, we.*they* .could have been a family. And still Sirius found it in his heart to visit me the last two moons. Perhaps that's the reason he won't stay after the moonset. Perhaps that's the reason he arrives only minutes before, choosing to stay in the form of Padfoot. Sirius had made a promise never to miss a moon, and he was still set on honoring that vow, even if he couldn't face me as a man.  
  
I needed to talk to Sirius.  
  
~~~September~~~  
  
Having received several owls from Dumbledore assuring me of Harry's safety, I felt fairly confident that my moon-time visitor would appear around nine- thirty ready for a moonlit run, in the unusually cool fall air. This time I left a note of my own next to the bed asking him to please stay long enough for a short chat, secretly yearning to hear but a few words spoken in his strong sure voice that I had never tired of listen to.  
  
As he had the two months previous, Padfoot appeared just before the gut wrenching pain of transformation struck. When I had raised my furry and reshaped head I was staring into the watery pools of my best mate's canine eyes. Convinced I was ready for play, Padfoot took of at a run, setting the pace of the rest of the night.  
  
Waking again in my own soft bed I immediately looked to see if I would be greeted by parchment or human, it was parchment once again. Not bothering to read the note, I turned away from the marvelous smell of fresh mint tea and fell at length into a restless state that only bordered on the edge of sleep.  
  
It wasn't until the following morning that I faced the bold line of Siri's unmistakable script.  
Re,  
Soon.not yet, but soon.I hope.  
  
Siri  
Neatly folded the note joined its brethren, waiting patiently for *soon*.  
~~~~ October~~~~  
Growing ever longer, the October moon allowed two more hours for frolicking in fallen leaves and splashing through the nearby stream. Yet somehow my playmate's festiveness seemed feigned even to the wolf who I was trying to keep tightly in check. When ever the great black dog thought I wasn't watching the gleam of his glowing eyes dimmed, and the rhythm of paws dancing over the cooling earth slowed to almost a crawl. But I suppose the fact that he was there at all should have given me cause to be thankful, after all until the very last moment I thought I'd be spending the moon as I had for the last thirteen years.alone.  
  
When the transformation was moments from beginning Padfoot had not arrived. Resigned to the fact that I had pushed my friend too fast and too far by leaving the note the moon before, I solemnly disrobed in front of the fireplace and sat shivering in its golden glow. With tears in my eyes I waited for the pain of the flesh to rescue me from the agony of my lonesome soul.  
  
As the first wave of cranium contorting confusion stabbed at my temples I curled onto my side trying to relax against the muscle mangling mayhem that would soon stretch, snap and finally shape my slender form into the strong, proud sinuous silhouette that was the wolf.  
  
Somewhere in the tangle of my mind I saw Sirius, not as Padfoot, but as the tall, handsome Sirius I'd ached to see for months. One hand was placed softly on my side while the fingers of the other gently combed away the sweat dampened strands of tawny and silver hair that blocked my view of his beautiful face, or his view of the pain constricted mask that was my own.  
  
"Change.now," my pain strangled voice ordered between short gasping breaths.  
  
They were the only words I'd been able to manage before my vision blurred and all went dark.  
I awoke the next day exactly where I expected .safely covered in my warm lonely bed.  
  
The time however was far later than I was accustomed to rising, even after a long run with a tireless, albeit lackluster playmate.  
  
For a long while I lay motionless, trying to plot the progression of the previous night's events.  
  
Padfoot had been late. But how had he gotten past the wards.and it had been Sirius.I know it had. I could still catch his scent; I could still feel the ghost of a touch where his hand had laid on my side. I could smell the sweetness where his fingers had stroked my hair.  
  
I remembered as Padfoot he was different.not really playful.it had been almost a nervous energy that had driven him.a longing for normality.a desperation.a desperate Padfoot. Oh, how I longed to talk to my friend.  
  
Unable to solve the mystery of his mood I returned to the method of his arrival. Sweet ..sweet. Tugging a strand of my hair closer to my nose, I sniffed again at the place his skin had left its blueprint. Sweet.candy.no trace of plastic from a wrapper.sweet.sour.lemon, lemon yes.lemon drops. Dumbledore.hmmmmm Dumbledore's office is the only.he'd used floo powder.that was the only way he could have gotten in.the fireplace in Dumbledore's office. Sirius had been visiting Dumbledore.oh sweet Merlin maybe Harry was in trouble.maybe that was the reason for Padfoot's behavior.  
  
Quickly I turned on my right side, immediately grabbing the expected parchment from the nightstand.  
  
Re:  
  
Sorry to startle you last night, but I was late and the wards were already set. I'm afraid you're now in need a new kitchen door. I had to blast yours off its hinges last night to get us outside to play. Too nice a night to curl by the fire.perhaps in December. Snape's potion really works.I don't know if you remember but I tried to open the side door while you were transforming but the change went faster than usual and Moony walked into the kitchen while I wasn't looking. That's when I got a little wand happy and blasted the door. Afterward I realized I had no reason to be afraid, Moony wouldn't have hurt me. I should have always known *you* never would have hurt me. I wish I had touched your face. You always liked scratching behind Padfoot's ears.I'd like to run my hands along Moony's fur once.  
  
Siri  
  
PS You need to eat more..silk sheets are wonderful to touch but they can't hide a lumpy mattress.  
  
S  
  
PSS There is a question that I need to ask you but I'm not sure I'm ready to hear the answer yet; but I will be soon.  
Leaving the parchment on my pillow, I rolled out of bed, shrugged into a robe and slippers, then padded downstairs to assess the damage to my home. Strangely I felt no shame at his blunt appraisal of my wolf-weakened form. After all, I reminded myself, this wasn't an issue to be concerned over. Sirius saw me nude after every moon.he was the one who put me in bed each post moon morning Why then, I asked my self, was I again holding the lock of hair that Sirius had touched, and why was Moony so quiet.  
With nervous anticipation I watched the morning of October 31st dawn clear and crisp as I sat on my front porch mindlessly caressing the sides of a black ceramic mug from which I sipped a hot oolong blend. Sirius had always been amazed at the vast assortment of teas I kept stashed in the cupboard of the flat we shared after school. Surprisingly we had lived there together without tension or fear of each other until the very night of James and Lily's death. It had not been a downplay of words or emotions contrived only to calm three frightened teenagers when Sirius and I so easily forgave each other that night in the shrieking shack. I never knew he had suspected me of being the spy and in turn he knew the vast amount of physical evidence pointing to his guilt was hard to refute. Even Dumbledore had placed a gentle, knowing arm around my shoulder as I prepared to leave the flat after Sirius's imprisonment, admitting that even he was unable to see a possible way that my best friend could be innocent. Somehow I knew that the wise man whom I had looked to as a father for so many years understood the depth of my loss even though I refused to admit it even to myself.  
  
It seemed as though I had just greeted the sunrise when I found myself again seated on the porch swing. Only now my hands caressed a glass of Grand Marnier Cordon Rouge, my customary Halloween indulgence, as my gaze shifted to the west, watching with trepidation as the sun sank swiftly below the horizon.  
  
One year ago this night I sat in the Great Hall of Hogwarts wondering how I would make it through until sunrise. I had no plans of attending the Hogwarts Halloween feast, simply being in the castle surrounded by the memories of my youth had stretched my legendary control to its breaking point. Facing the merry festivities of a night I could never again enjoy was more than I could ask the wolf to bear. But Albus had come to my office just before the feast was to begin and gently insisted that I take my proper place at the teacher's table, showing those that would doubt my trustworthiness, that I had faced the demons of the past and had not succumb to their enticements. He knew it wasn't lack of proper attire that caused my shoulders to momentary slump or my eyes to mist with unshed tears.  
  
I tried everything to keep my mind from seeing the ghosts of boys I'd loved as brothers; two long dead and one damned by their deaths. It was the soul of the damned that haunted me most of all. Many of the faculty members present were either students or teachers when the marauders had been entertaining or enraging the population of the school. Believing they knew the depth of my grief, many had shown their support by a simple nod or an encouraging word, though only McGonagal dared to reach out and give the shoulder of a werewolf a gentle squeeze. Sensing my desperation for distraction Professor Flitwick tried to hold my attention with a detailed account of Harry's first charms class.  
Oh how I had tried to keep my thoughts from Harry. Harry who was the mirror image of his father and now sat directly in my line of sight, talking casually with this friends.  
  
Suddenly I was filled with anger at the idea of him being happy on this night. at *anyone* in the hall being happy. It wasn't right! Didn't they realize the significance of this night.the devastating effect it had had on so many lives?! No, all *they* cared about was that Voldemort had seemingly been destroyed! The laughing boy I now watched didn't even know his parents; knew no reason to hate this night.  
  
Harry didn't realize that his father had bravely stood closer to the dark lord than anyone had ever dared. Stood with his wand raised, ready to lay down his life to provide but a few fleeting moments for Lily to escape. Harry was only beginning to realize the sacrifice his mother made as she used her body as a shield for her precious son.  
  
I was there that morning. I saw the shattered glasses that lay at James' side where he'd fallen in death. I saw the broken wand still clutched tight in cold lifeless hands that would never again grasp the handle of a broom as he soared into the early morning light. I saw Lily's once emerald bright eyes, still opened wide with fear. The fire of her soul gone, it was only shards of green glass that I gently pressed pale lids to shade. As I left the devastation that only twelve hours before had been my friends' perfect home.perfect life, I learned of Sirius's arrest. Learned that our Dog Star, our ever-faithful Padfoot had turned rabid and ruined us all.  
  
I'd sat up all night waiting for Sirius to come back from what he said would be a quick errand. We were supposed to go to a pub in muggle England, just the two of us.Sirius had wanted to ask me something. To this day I knew not what it was.  
Yes, last Halloween had been the worst since that horrific night so long ago, but at Dumbledor's gentle insistence I had faced the whole of Hogwarts, faced the past and the present. To say I had joined in the search for Sirius after the attack on the fat lady would be a lie. The only thing *I* had searched was my heart, trying to justify the loyalty I still felt for a man who'd sentenced me to a life of solitude and his godson to a childhood in muggle hell. What I found was a hole that had never truly healed, and had again been ripped open. But unlike the Gryffindore tower guard, I was not able to run from my "frame". No, I believed I was destined to go on living the torn and tattered existence of a wolf who'd failed to protect his pack and was now fated to wander forever alone.  
  
What a difference a year makes.  
  
Pulling my knees to my chest and hugging my arms against the chilly autumn air, I realized that for the first time since Sirius's imprisonment it was only my flesh that was cold. My heart had been warmed by the truth of my packmate's innocence..and this, I realized, brought far greater peace to my soul than the belief that Peter died a martyr ever had.  
  
Although the pain of James and Lily's deaths, and now Peter' betrayal would always haunt me, I knew that Sirius was not the only one who had escaped from a cell of solitude. He was not the only one ready to take tentative steps into the world we used to know, a world that no longer existed. Sirius was still a wanted criminal and I would always be an unwanted werewolf, but together we were a pack and small as it was, perhaps for the moment our pack of two was all we needed or wanted.  
  
Now, if only I could convince my long caged companion to speak again we could attempt to rebuild our friendship. No.. no that's not true, I realized, reflecting on the last four moons. We *have* been rebuilding our friendship. Only this time it was being built completely on instinct and trust. Sirius trusting the wolf who had caused his doubts so long ago; and I trusting Sirius with my very life during the time before and after the moon when I was most vulnerable to attack or betrayal.  
  
Rising fluidly to my feet I walked to the edge of the porch and stared up at the waning moon, just five days past full. Only twenty-three nights until I would rejoice in seeing my furry friend again, while Moony would whimper at the sight of his packmate, having finally realized his greatest desire was not meant to be.  
  
Oh Sweet Merlin, this was certainly a first; I was looking forward to the full moon and the wolf was dreading it.  
  
Perhaps a visit with Dumbledore was in order. Sirius obviously had the wizards blessing to use the fireplace in his office to gain entry to the cottage, it is quite possible that the always insightful headmaster would give some cryptic clue as to my friend's reluctance to be in my presence other than during full-moon hours.  
  
As if on cue a small messenger bird landed on the porch rail. Even in the pale moon- light I was able to see the vast amount of colorful plumage making the bird appear as if it were assembled from the surplus feathers that Neville's grandmother surely kept in a shoebox atop her closet.  
  
"Well, I have a good idea who sent you on this late night errand," I smiled, speaking softly, hoping the ridiculous looking bird with the constantly bobbing head would remain oblivious to the wolf that growled low within my chest.  
  
Carefully I loosened the parchment from the bird's leg and thought quickly as to what I could offer as payment. I needn't have worried, the silly creature already knew what it wanted and hopped over to the wooden swing that still moved quietly in the breeze. Astonished I watched as the beak dipped quickly in and out of my forgotten glass of Halloween spirits.  
  
"I certainly hope you don't plan on flying soon," I reprimanded before changing the alcohol to water with a quick wandless charm, then headed into the living room to read the very unexpected note as I warmed myself in front of the fire.  
  
Settling in a large overstuffed chair by the hearth I summoned my specs and a mug of Darjeeling, then slowly unfolded the neatly scripted note. For a note it simply was. Only five connected sets of black ink marred the creamy linen stationary. But they were five of the most heartrending words I'd ever seen in print, and in reading them everything made sense and the dam broke loose. Curling into the chair, I buried my face in the cool cotton fabric and sobbed soundlessly, the crumpled sheet falling to the floor, tear dampened words bleeding together just as their writer's heart still bled for a tragedy that was not his making.  
  
'Can you ever forgive me?'  
  
Five simple words.five words that spoke of pain, regret and fear but also of hope. Sirius feared that I blamed him for James and Lily's death, but true to a vow taken at the age of fifteen he appeared for each of the last four moons because he still held onto hope.  
  
Turning my tear-streaked face from the now damp fabric I unfolded my long legs, allowing them to drape carelessly over the arm of the soft deep chair that since July had become my quiet spot. The place where I read and wrote, thought and now reflected. Gazing into the depths of the flames my mind returned to the Halloween of one year ago. Though only one hour later than the last time I had visited the terrible memory of that night, it's pain had lessened greatly in comparison to the vision that was now created by the five lonely words that bespoke so much of my friend's heart.  
  
Inside the castle I had been greeted by food, friends and students. The misery that had flooded my heart was much of my own making, but the grief that surely tore at the heart of a cold, half starved, lonely animungus, would have been far worse to bear. I can only imagine the pain that tore at Sirius's heart as he sat at the edge of the forest, gazing at the warm lights of a castle that for seven years had been his home, but now was the place that was forbidden.  
  
While I had colleagues who understood my grief, Sirius had been surrounded by memories of moonlit runs with a boy whose death he blamed on himself and another whose murder he would now gladly commit. What his memories of me entailed I could not venture a guess.  
  
At the time I had been angry at the jovial environment into which I'd been thrown against my will. Angry with the bespectacled boy whose only crime was being alive and sitting with friends as I had done so many years before. What Sirius wouldn't have given to be able to sit in my place and watch the light of the hovering candles play across his godson's face just as it had danced across Jame's during the seven Halloween feasts we'd spent together.  
  
No, the fates had been far kinder to me during my year back at Hogwarts than they had to Sirius. And now I was grateful for the gentle reminder of just how lucky I had been to have a year of good food to eat, steady pay to save and eager students to teach. My innocent friend had nothing but loneliness, hunger, guilt and rage. Yet it was he who now asked if I could forgive a crime that he had never committed.  
  
Startled from my inner turmoil by the sound of the visiting bird's chatter, I moved to the desk and quickly jotted a response I hoped would be to my friends liking. Nothing deeply detailed, as would have been my normal style, that wasn't what Sirius needed. No something clear and concise was called for.  
  
'I cleaned the blood off your nose, didn't I? If you'll let me, I'll help you clean the phantom drops from your heart and hands. Talk to me Paddy, I've missed you.'  
  
Before I could change my mind I quickly rolled the parchment and attached it to the bird's leg. As soon as the winged messenger took flight I began to second- guess my choice of words.  
  
It was time for another glass of Grand Marnier.  
  
TBC  
  
~~~~ November ~~~~  
  
Twenty -three days had come and gone from the time I watched the rainbow feathered messenger soar into the night sky, and in that time I'd heard nothing from Sirius. To make matters worse the wolf had sensed my feeling of hope with the arrival of the Halloween message. With that hope in *my* soul came hope in his and now the alternating growls and whimpers for the man he considered to be his intended mate were driving me mad.  
  
In a futile attempt to still the uninvited voice from my mind, I foolishly took double doses of the wolfsbane potion during the last two days of the moon's cycle.  
  
I remembered nothing after the last swallow save for the excruciating pain of a transformation I was powerless to relax against.  
  
No matter if my will is my own or Moony's, each transformation is the same. Like having your mind, heart and soul pulled with the force of a port-key into a swirling nightmarish depth, a nightmare that sees with feral vision.sees as a hunter..as a mate.as a lover too long denied their desired flesh. When I was a child I fought with all my strength against the moon time mist that shrouded my will within a cloak of fur, ferocity and blood lust. I feared I would be lost to my self forever.lost forever inside the demon whose desires lingered long after the lunar lobotomy was reversed.  
  
Yes, thanks to the extra potion Moony's voice was silent, but also was my own, except for the echoing scream that ricocheted within my mind, but could not pass bitten bleeding lips to penetrate the blackness surrounding me.or so I thought.  
  
At one time I woke in front of the fireplace, still in wolf form. Padfoot was lying very close. Close enough for muzzles to touch, staring into my eyes. I tried to lift my head but the attempt was too great a strain and all went dark.  
  
"Harry's name was placed in the Goblet of Fire.he's the fourth champion." Sirius's deep voice nipped at my ears, pulling me against my will to a state of semi-conciseness.  
  
"I know," I heard my own transformation roughened voice respond automatically, "Dumbledore told me the morning after it happened."  
  
"Why the hell didn't you owl me?"  
  
This was definitely not the 'lets get reacquainted' chat I had hoped to be having with my friend; yet even raised in anger his rich rolling voice cast a spell over me. A spell my heart should have found the counter curse for years ago, but instead it chose to remain forever in his power.  
  
"I thought you knew," I mumbled, my mind still fighting to surface from the quagmire of the potion's effect. "I had no idea you weren't notified first."  
  
Fighting against an unknown weight I tried in vein to shift from my stomach to a sitting position. But was instantly pressed flat to the mattress my face buried in the cool cotton of the pillow that cradled my head.  
  
"Oooow, oh gods Sirius." I groaned tilting my head to the side so I could continue to breathe.  
  
"Sorry," my long absent friend barked, not sounding in the least bit apologetic for his rough treatment of my bruised and battered muscles. "How the hell do you expect me to work out these knots if you keep moving around?"  
  
"I'm sorry," I stammered suddenly aware of warm strong fingers kneading the tissue of my bare back. Oh Sweet Merlin, Sirius was massaging my back. I was naked, and Sirius was massaging my back.  
  
"What the fuck happened to you Remus?" The now quiet and caring voice asked sounding almost on the verge of tears. "If *this* is what the potion is capable of doing to you than quite fucking taking it. I can handle the wolf.Padfoot can handle Moony. I know it's important to you to have control but I also know that shit doesn't lessen the pain."  
  
"Re, I thought you were dead." My long desired love whispered as he gently stroked a large callused thumb-pad along the length of my jaw. Over and over the caring caress continued.touching so much more than just stubbled flesh...truly reaching to the depths of my heart. For the first time in days I welcomed Moony's soft growl and the answering cry that swelled within my soul.  
  
"Moony..Moony answer me. What happened? You just laid there.all night"  
  
I couldn't answer him; my entire being was lost in the loving touch of one caressing digit.  
  
"Please Re," the now pleading voice whimpered, "tell me what happened. I've never seen you in that much pain Re. When you transformed it took so long, so much longer than usual. I've never heard you scream like that. Never. *What. Happened?*  
  
I shouldn't have answered, my mind was too lost in the smell of Sirius, lost in the touch that I wished would never stop. I was far too sleepy to answer as I should have. But answer I did. and I couldn't have been more thoughtless.  
  
"I took double doses of the potion. I had to make Moony stop.had to make him stop crying for his mate."  
  
The caress stopped immediately as Sirius minimal weight moved quickly from the bed.  
  
"I need to go. I've stayed too long as it is, I need to talk to Albus."  
  
"Siri, please don't go..you don't understand."  
  
There was a long pregnant pause as I waited for the slamming of my bedroom door. Finally the sound of a low strangled voice broke the deafening silence that had fallen between us.  
  
"Will Moony's mate be here for the next moon.I don't want to intrude."  
  
"Moony would welcome a Christmas Eve run with Padfoot, and the only intrusion would be upon my loneliness. "  
  
"I'll see you. And Re..don't take that shit again."  
  
Then he was gone. I never even saw his face.  
  
Fighting back tears, and anguished whimpers, I rolled to the other side of the bed where I could see out the window, see the retreating form of a large black dog, that didn't move with the joyful prance that normally marked his step.  
  
Sniffing at the pillow my head now occupied, I caught the unmistakable scent of Sirius.on pillow.on the sheets. Not just a trace.a definite scent. Sirius had laid here.laid with me. Oh Sweet Merlin, what have I done?  
  
Following Moony's command I snuggled into the pillow my pack-mate had recently occupied. The wonderful scent of cedar, vanilla and musk wrapped me in a swirling mix of drowsiness, fear, trepidation and arousal. Of the four, sated sleep would be catered to first, as long cool fingers stroking heated flesh played understudy to the hot moist cavern I so desperately wished to fill but knew beyond a doubt I would never be invited to explore. With the image of flowing raven hair in my mind and the splendor of a star seared upon my soul I moaned the three simple syllables that when combined, unknowingly held my heart.  
  
'Sir.i...uuuus!!!"  
  
When I again woke to the inviting smell of my ebony haired friend, it was with the realization that my remaining feelings would now need to be faced. But not until the residue of my earlier indulgence was washed away by a quick steamy shower. As I stood beneath the pulsing water, I again felt the burning physical need for Sirius rising in my loins. It was then that I realized the vanilla scent of my friend had in actuality been my own creamy shampoo. My worried and weary friend had obviously used my shower. It was truly amazing that just by being combined with the natural cedar and musk that was my friend, vanilla had now become an entirely new sensory delight or damnation.the choice was Sirius's alone. Unfortunately he had no idea there was a decision to be made.  
  
Quickly I diminished the flow of hot water and relished in the effect of cold crisp reality.  
  
Suddenly aware of how very much I missed the post transformation tea and note I'd become accustomed to over the last four months, my heart constricted with the reality that my thoughtless words had condemned me to solitude once again.  
  
Throwing on an old day robe I descended painfully to the kitchen for a mug of tea and possibly a light meal only to find that my choice of sustenance had already been determined. A hearty vegetable soup sat steaming in a large pot on the stove, my tea and toast neatly arranged on the wooden table near by. In the middle of the table stood a tented piece of parchment, I was reluctant to retrieve.  
  
Choosing to first treat my nerves with a spot of tea I reached for the mug. Then, following a few calming sips I sat down with a cup of the flavorful smelling soup prepared to meet the written warning of my fate. Turning the ivory parchment over and over in my long shaking fingers, I pondered when my friend had found time to prepare the treats before me, surely it hadn't been after my terrible choice of answer to his simple caring question.  
  
Deciding it was foolish to delay the inevitable I slowly opened the single fold and stared in disbelief at the hastily scribbled words.  
  
Re, Meet me outside by the shed, Moony will tear the ornaments off the Christmas tree if we transform in the house. Siri  
  
'Well,' I sighed, placing the note in my pocket and reaching for the soup, 'I guess I'll be putting up a tree this year.'  
  
````December````  
  
Seven days before the full moon my monthly delivery from Severus Snape arrived exactly on schedule except this month it was delivered by Albus instead of a Hogwarts owl. We chatted briefly about the house, the weather and of course the Tri Wizard Tournament. The Headmaster commented on the Christmas tree in the corner of the living-room but gave no indication as to the reason for his presence except to wish me a happy holiday.  
  
Following a cup of lemon tea and a brief chat Dumbledore departed leaving me with a bitter brew of which I desperately wished to partake.  
  
Pulling the odd shaped bottle from its wrappings I was surprised to see a small note that was loosely tied about the stopper by a gold thread. Surely a holiday note from Snape was out of the question, but who, other than Albus and Snape could have placed it there. Quickly I grabbed my small gold reading specs from the fireplace mantel and tugged gently to loosen the glittering thread.  
  
Deftly I unfolded the note and immediately cursed my curiosity for getting the better of me.  
  
'Please.Please don't. I know you need the control, but try to remember what it was like when you ran with your pack. You saw through the mist then too. Please!'  
  
Slowly I reached up to place the note in the spot my specs had previously rested. My next movement took surprisingly little thought, and brought with it very little regret.  
  
The sound of shattering glass accompanied my whispered prayer as Snape's magic mixture disappeared in a flash of silver flame.  
  
```````````` Christmas Eve was clear and cold, and I was reminded of Siri's August note, teasing that perhaps come December we would simply curl by the fireplace. But after my foolishness during the last moon, that which I had eagerly looked forward to, could never come to pass. Instead as I walked to the shed in preparation for a long moon-lit run I did something I'd not had to do in almost fifteen years; I begged the wolf not to pursue his intended mate, begged him to leave me with a loving friend, instead of a stunned or worse, repulsed ex-packmate.  
  
When I reached the remote shed Padfoot was no where to be found and moonrise was nearly upon me. Attempting to ride out the wave of panic that now brought my normally well modulated breath to a gasping pace, I quickly covered the remaining distance to the very unsatisfactory confines of the poorly constructed shed.  
  
Oh Dear Lord, what was I going to do?  
  
I wouldn't have enough time to secure the structure properly, and it had been nearly three years since I'd transformed without the mollifying effects of the Wolfsbane potion.  
  
'Oh, sweet Merlin Padfoot where are you?' My trembling voice asked of the darkness, for that was all that surrounded me. Quickly I reached to bar the door as best I could, but a strong grip on my bicep caused me to drop the makeshift brace and spin with lupine speed to face my hooded guest.  
  
It was Sirius of course. I should have caught his scent before I ever reached the shed and certainly before he was beside me, but fear of myself in wolfish guise roaming unchecked through the nearby forest had pushed practical thought from my mind.  
  
The interior of the shed was black as my guests raven locks, but thanks to lupine eyes I could see Sirius's every feature as clearly as if he stood in the midday sun.  
  
Slowly Sirius reached out with a cold trembling hand, his fingertips ghosting down the side of my face. The wolf was too near to control and I instinctively nuzzled into the caress, nipping softly at the hand that held my jaw.  
  
Sirius's touch never wavered. Instead he gazed steadily into my glowing amber eyes, which I knew were the only feature of my face or frame he could see clearly without canine benefit.  
  
"Moony's eyes," my friend whispered, "You didn't take the potion. Thank you."  
  
My voice too unsteady for words I simply nodded my reply as I sank to my knees, bracing myself against the churning chaos that soon would pull me within the mind and body of the waiting wolf.  
  
As I felt the darkness overtake me I heard my friend's calming voice promising to look after me, promising to see me in the morning..Christmas morning.  
  
```````  
  
Coming slowly back to the waking reality of a moonless morning, I stayed at the blissful brink of dreamless sleep as long as possible. Certain that if I merely kept my eyes closed and snuggled deeper into the soft pillow and cozy warm spread that cocooned my battered bones, I could surely return to the starlit splendor that had been the wolfs realm for the last fourteen hours.  
  
For a man who had spent twelve years in Azkaban, Sirius's memory of my pack- mates effect on Moony's ability to control my actions was surprisingly accurate. Although I knew the simple act of running free helped immensely, I was amazed what little need there was for Padfoot to cajole or contain the usually willful wolf.  
  
The night had been glorious! Running side by side with canine grace across a moonlit field, Padfoot and Moony relished in windblown fur and tangled limbs as rough raucous wrestling matches resulted from even the slightest bump of shoulders, paws or snouts.  
Only at the very end of the moon time, when two tired canines lay panting and practically curled as one in front of a magically roaring fire, did I have to stop Moony from gently gracing his packmate with nuzzles and nips as Padfoot carefully cleaned the minor cuts that resulted from another run- in with a previously encountered thorn bush. This time it was Padfoot's tongue that tickled the fur of the wolf and moments later the flesh of my face.  
  
Obviously uncomfortable with the close proximity to his now fur-free friend, Sirius had jumped back quickly as soon as sapphire eyes meet honeyed- hazel.  
  
Wrapping a waiting robe around me, Sirius easily maneuvered me to the sofa, covered my transformation tortured torso and limbs and muttered a healing charm I only vaguely remembered taking effect as I instantly dove into a welcoming diversion of deep, deep sleep.  
  
Reluctantly pulling away from the edge of unconsciousness, my still unfocused eyes quickly cleared as I caught the sight of my formerly playful pack-mate arranging his monthly note on a branch of the sparsely decorated tree in obvious preparation for his departure.  
  
"Sirius, why are you leaving," I whispered softly, struggling to arrange my aching, back, neck and shoulders into the straight vertical line of a sitting position.  
  
"Remus lay down," my startled friend begged, quickly crossing the room and reaching out with gentle hands to urge me back to a prone position. "I wasn't leaving quite yet, but it is almost noon and I should be going soon. I don't want to be in the way".  
  
I was truly surprised by his swiftly babbled reply and even more so by the downcast eyes that refused to meet my own. But anger and confusion quickly topped surprise and my hard won control cracked with the force my now docile friend's legendary temper had the moon before.  
  
"In the way? What the hell are you going to be in the way of?" I demanded, defiantly pushing my way back to a precariously balanced sitting position.  
  
"I.uh.well."  
  
"Well?" I prodded, "Oh let me guess. You'll be in the way of the hoards of visitors coming to wish a Happy Christmas to their good friend the werewolf. Is that it? So how many people have you needed to worry about hiding from so far this morning? Hum, how many.let me guess.zero?!?!  
  
"No reply?" I persisted, although by this time I was speaking to the crown of my friends head, as he refused to lift his eyes to meet mine.  
  
"I'm sorry Re," my only real friend whispered, then continued so softly it was only by the grace of lupine senses that I heard him, "I guess I just figured with the tree up you'd be having guests and it's not like I'd be able to meet anyone and even if I could I'd just be in the way of you and your friends."  
  
At the sound of the lost and lonely wizard's trembling voice, the anger disappeared from mine without any further thought.  
  
"Sirius, I put up the tree for you, because from you last note it sounded like you expected one. And after twelve years in Azkaban and one spent as a dog; I figured the least I could do is put up a tree, although it's not a very attractive one. But Sirius if you were thinking with even a smidgeon of the sense you were born with you would realize there is only one fucking present under it and if it weren't for the presence of your esteemed personage, *it* wouldn't be there." I snapped, my voice rising louder than intended.  
  
"I'm sorry Re."  
  
"Damn it Padfoot, don't be sorry.be Sirius." I shouted, the rage that pulsed through my body threw me off kilter and caused me to sway, my back crumpling against the sofa, as I closed my eyes against the nausea that threatened to rise within me.  
  
Instantly the long time 'fill-in medi-wizard, and healer of werewolves' was seated at my side, ready to catch me ere the pain became too much.  
  
Straightening once again I turned to my silent friend, the normal calm returned in full to my quiet voice.  
  
"Sirius, any of the friends I know well enough to visit or have visit me on Christmas are friends of yours also."  
  
Seeing the incredulous look haunting his eyes, I continued on, hoping to convince him of the truths I spoke.  
  
"If you would stop and think, like the Sirius of old occasionally did. You would realize that Albus and I haven't wasted any time in relaying to the old crowd the news of your innocence. It wouldn't do very well to keep such vital information a secret as it doesn't take much thought to figure out who Pete is going to run to. It would be a real crime to allow people like Arabella and Mandungus to go on believing that Pete died a hero's death and that you are an escaped criminal. If you want to we can go visit them sometime.via floo.providing I give them notice. But I'd like to take Sirius Black with me instead of the whimpering wallflower I've been chatting with if you don't mind. I meant it.don't be sorry .be Sirius." I finished softly, curling my chin toward my knees in hopes that the rounding of my spine would help with the pain.  
  
"Turn around Re..put your back toward me. No, don't look at me like that, do it you stubborn prat, how can I rub your back if it's angled away from me. There that's better."  
  
"Siri you really don't."  
  
"You're right I don't, but I'm going to. And Re.thank you. You always knew how to keep me in line."  
  
"Any time Sirius, any time." I smiled as the large muscular paws I'd always desired to have caress my most intimate places, began rubbing deep slow circles up the middle of my back.  
  
"Just let me move your hair to the side so I don't..Oh God Re I missed a cut.here let me get your wand"  
  
"My wand?" I asked surprised at the request. "Why don't you use your own wand?"  
  
"Now how the fuck would I go about getting a wand? Do you think I just strolled into Ollivanders and browsed through the boxes?"  
  
"I'm sorry Siri, I just assumed that you managed to procure or purloin a wand at some point in the last year and a half."  
  
"Well, my friend in this particular instance, you happened to be incorrect." Sirius muttered as he crossed to the fireplace mantel to retrieve my wand.  
  
The look of shock and anger that graced his face when he turned to find me already standing and slowly making my way to the stairway, was both funny and frightening. I settled for concentrating on the funny set of his mouth, as the look in his eyes was enough to send the wolf whimpering to the back of his cage.  
  
"What the fuck do you think you're doing?"' Sirius asked in blatant disbelief of what his eyes beheld.  
  
"I'm going to the attic," I replied simply as though it were the most obvious thing in the world. "There's something I need to get and it can't wait"  
  
"The hell you are. If it's that important I'll go get it"  
  
"No it's not in a place you need to be pawing through. Everything up there is organized and I know the way you look for things. Everything would fly through the air as if Padfoot where digging a hole. No thank you, I'll get it myself."  
  
"Fine, I'll carry you." Sirius stated, moving toward me as if it were an even remotely acceptable idea.  
  
"The Hell you will," I replied raising a tawny eyebrow in preparation for battle. I knew beyond a doubt that if my muscular friend raised me in his arms I'd be helpless to stop myself from making certain that his tonsils had indeed not grown back since Poppy removed them during Christmas break of fourth year. "I managed on my own after transformations for thirteen years, I'm perfectly capable of walking up to the attic." But the rest of my thought vanished when I stopped to truly look at the beautiful face before me. Seeing the look of hurt tossing painfully in my friends stormy blue eyes caused me to lower my need for independence just a tad.  
  
"While I certainly don't need to be carried, I could use.well.if you would.."  
  
Instinctively Sirius moved to my side and slipped a strong sure arm around my waist, guiding me as he had done so many times after full moons. Guiding me as we slowly made our way up the earthen tunnel that lead away from moonlit temptation and back to a world of magic that was not made in my heart.  
  
As we headed up the two flights of stairs I found my self giggling softly at the ticklish sensation that assaulted the inner muscles of my back.  
  
"What's so funny," Sirius questioned, still surprised that I could laugh through the struggle of post moon aches and pains.  
  
"It's Moony," I replied hesitantly, never in the past having shared the details of my daily inner struggle of the wolf's presence within me. "he's moving against your arm."  
  
"Oh, you never used to giggle when he nuzzled against my touch."  
  
Instantly coming to a stop on the narrow stairs I turned to look directly in my friend's eyes. "You've felt him before?" I asked, wonder showing clearly in my amber orbs.  
  
"Of course, I can always feel his warmth when I touch you. He's very caring for his pack you know." Sirius explained with the same warmth of which he spoke glowing in his own starlit eyes.  
  
No more words were spoken as Siri tightened his grip on my waist and we turned to mount the remaining steps.  
  
Nearing the attic door I slowed my pace, mentally preparing myself for a gamble I hoped would pay-off.  
  
Yes, Sirius was calm and helpful now but he could easily flee in horror at the sights that wait to greet him.  
  
Pressing gently on the battered wooden door, I walked cautiously into the large darkened expanse of space, the gray and rainy whether providing little outside light. Quickly I lit the numerous candles that lined the window -sills, their light casting long pointed shadows across the floor, walls and ceiling.  
  
Leaving Sirius at the center of the room, I slowly made my way deeper into the darkness where the angled ceiling met shorter walls, pretending to look around for the items I sought although I could have walked directly to them. Standing next to the first, and hopefully most easily faced treasure I intended to reintroduce the still skittish animungus to; I waited silently for a few moments, hoping my always-impatient friend would accept my unspoken invitation to join me  
  
"Damn Re, it's cold up here." Sirius grumbled, briskly rubbing his hands together several times before crossing to my side and running the heated palms up and down the length of my goose fleshed biceps. "Can't this wait till later? You shouldn't be trying to stand for this long so soon after the moon and .oh shit.that's my old school trunk. Re, where did you ." Sirius's voice trailed off as he dropped gracefully to the floor and cautiously reached out to touch the precious link to the past.  
  
Feeling as though I were watching a once again eager eleven year old unpack for his first term at Hogwarts, I lowered my long lean body to sit across from the trembling form whose hair, tee-shirt and jeans blended perfectly with the shadows that engulfed him.  
  
Today was the first time in fourteen years I had seen my best friend.my brother of the soul.long desired lover, for more than just a few fleeting moments. And as I sat memorizing every detail of the mature handsome man before me I thought, not for the first time, how difficult it must be for an innocent man who had always lived in the light of self- assurance to be forced to hiding. Hiding from friends, family, his godson, and in truth. even himself.  
  
"Re it's my old wand," Sirius's elated gasp grew into a wide smile that spread quickly to his brilliant blue eyes, reminding me of the 'star- sapphire' ring he'd gifted me with on my twenty-first birthday.  
  
The ring had been a complete surprise and it had taken every once of will power I had to keep its intended meaning from blossoming in my imagination. ' To remind you of me when Padfoot can't be there for the moons,' he'd said, 'so that you know your dog-star is watching the moon and thinking of you from where ever his is, or who ever he's with."  
  
I had worn the treasure happily.for three weeks, then he was gone.gone for thirteen years. I'd worn it that night Halloween night as I'd waited for him to return from his errand.to take me to the club.to ask me whatever it was that was so important we needed to be alone and away from the house to ask. 'Whoever he's with.' The final words had burned a hole in my heart. I'd assumed he meant whatever girl might keep him away, I'd never dreamt that he'd meant Voldemort. The next day I took off the ring and hid it away; burying it in the darkness of my old school trunk. Burying it as I tried to bury the love I felt for the boy who'd given it to me. But now that the boy sat less than a meter away and I knew that the love I felt for him was never simply a schoolboy crush, I was tempted to dig through the trunk I was leaning against. Tempted to dig out the symbol of a star who I now believed had never stopped thinking about me as the moon waxed and waned. Only *now* I could wear the ring in peace, finally content to enjoy the love of a friend.  
  
Realizing our stay in the drafty room would last much longer than originally planned I conjured a floating fire that would have made Heromine, green with envy. Then silently I sat watching and listening as Sirius withdrew each item, reverently touching and discussing the reminders of a life he'd not been allowed to enjoy. Not only were his school things in the trunk, but many of his possessions from the flat we'd shared were all carefully minimized and stored, in hopes that someday their owner would come to claim them.  
  
"How did you wind up with all these things Re?" My still awestruck friend finally asked, his voice painfully constricted. "Were my parents so convinced of my guilt that they didn't want anything."  
  
"No Sirius, it wasn't that at all," I answered truthfully meeting the eyes of a man who was obviously agonizing over the unconsidered depths to which his feelings would have to be examined and eventually resolved. "After your capture, they found out about what I am."  
  
"*Who* you are," Sirius corrected adamantly, as he always had. "Well, they believed that I was the reason you did what everyone accused you of, that I had turned you to the dark." I admitted quietly.  
  
No longer able to meet the dazzling orbs that had suddenly dimmed with understanding and regret, I focused on a picture of Sirius and myself laying near me that had been taken the morning after they discovered my curse.  
  
"No matter what Albus tried to tell them about me they wouldn't listen. They didn't want anything that was in the flat, anything I might have touched. It's alright Sirius," I assured him, reaching out to lift his chin so that his eyes would meet my own, "It was their way of coping with everything, of keeping you innocent, of keeping you their little boy."  
  
"It's not alright Remus, and when I can finally talk to them, tell them what really happened you'll receive the apology you're due."  
  
"Sirius, just knowing that neither of us betrayed the pack is all I need," I smiled, knowing it to be true.  
  
Stretching against the pain of my bruised and weary muscles, I realized it was already late after noon, five or six o'clock gauging by the light of the early evening moon and the stars who'd been so kind as to join it. At some point the cloud cover had moved on and the evening promised to be clear and cold.  
  
After making his way to the bottom of his own trunk, the ever- curious canine finally turned his gaze to the other items that surrounded us on the clean swept attic floor. His eyes moved to the trunk I leaned against recognizing it immediately as my own and then at last to the large red and gold case that sat directly to my right.  
  
For long moments he stared at the solid metal structure as though it would vanish if he dared to blink or move, then at last he crawled over to kneel beside me, wordlessly asking permission to visit a place he knew we had to go.  
  
I simply nodded, tears clouding my eyes as his large trembling fingers traced the initials JP, then opened a seal that had not been broken in fourteen years.  
  
"Neither James nor Lil had any family to give their possession to," I said softly "so Albus gave everything that wasn't destroyed to me."  
  
"Everything except Harry." Sirius barked, unsuppressed anger glowing in his eyes. "You should have been allowed to raise him Re, he should have gone to you."  
  
"Don't be foolish Sirius" I snapped, unwilling to admit how desperately I had desired to be given that very chance. "Children are taken away from werewolves, not entrusted to them."  
  
But the intuitive wizard knew immediately the truth I tried unconvincingly to hide, and mercifully dropped the subject with merely a knowing look given in reply.  
  
Returning his attention to the material memories of our dearest friend's short lived life, Sirius pulled a photo album off the top and leaned back against the hard metal frame of the trunk which also supported my own unsubstantial weight.  
  
"How could Pete do it Re?" Siri's voice was no more than a whisper as he traced his finger gently across the waiving picture of James and Lily as they stood talking to Sirius, Pete and myself. It was taken just after leaving the church on the evening of their wedding. "How could he destroy so many lives. He ruined everything, all the wonderful things that were just about to happen, that now can never be."  
  
And so the release of hurt and the beginning of healing began. This was not a conversation meant to take place in front of a lighted tree and a crackling fire. No. the cold reality of death and betrayal was better faced in this lonely attic room with only the light of stars and moon to guide our shared remembrances.  
  
Finally, late in the evening, after tears and tirades, Sirius had met the demons of his soul head on and was ready to make peace with his own heart and mind. The healing had really just begun, but we'd faced this first night of truths together and that was how we knew we'd have the strength to face the rest.side by side as we always had.as friends.  
  
Knowing that quiet moments like the one we now shared would come few and far between, I took the opportunity to summon Siri's present from beneath the Christmas Tree hoping the meaning behind the simple gift would be fully realized.  
  
"Re you didn't have." Sirius began to sputter as I deftly caught the small square package when it flew within arms length.  
  
"I know.just open it"  
  
With a slight bit of apprehension I watched as Sirius tore the modest wrappings from the book that he now turned over and over in his gentle but callused paws.  
  
"It's a journal," I explained, in response to the confused look that clouded his tear stain face. "It's charmed like the Marauders Map, so only you can use the pass word and read your entries. Spending time with me in a non-speaking, fur-covered state only once a month doesn't constitute in- depth therapy, Sirius. At least with this," I said tapping the deep purple binding with my right index finger. "You can vent when ever you like and no one will be able to read it unless you choose to reveal the charm."  
  
"Alright, what are the words?"  
  
"James made his own choice, I didn't betray him." I stated simply, letting the implication hang in the air for a few pregnant moments.  
  
"Come on Paddy, let me hear you say it.James made his own choice."  
  
When I was almost ready to concede and change the words, Sirius spoke in a soft but determined voice, "James made his own choice, I didn't betray him."  
  
"Someday Paddy, you may actually believe those words." I smiled. Then turned my head to the side and tried to inconspicuously bring my hand to my mouth.  
  
Observing the yawn I tried to stifle, my now red and puffy eyed friend checked the time on the muggle watch he'd managed to acquire and immediately rose to his knees and then gracefully to his feet, pulling me gently with him.  
  
"Damn it Re, you're exhausted and you haven't had anything to eat since before moonrise yesterday afternoon. Why didn't you stop me from raving on and on like that, we should have gone back down hours ago. For Gods sake Moony we came up here to look for one simple thing and." Sirius's voice trailed off as a look of understanding and gratitude flowed across his features, lighting them with an internal beauty that was almost too much for me to bear.  
  
"You were going to come up and get my old wand for me regardless of what I did, but you knew I'd follow you up here, didn't you. You didn't have to *look* for anything. You just hoped you could still play my stubborn nature to your own benefit."  
  
I merely nodded my admission of guilt, hoping my physical reaction to having his arms still wrapped around my waist was not noticeable through the cotton day robe Sirius had attired me in early this morning.  
  
"You asked me if I could ever forgive you, and this was the only way I knew to help you begin to forgive yourself. To start to wipe away the phantom blood- stains that have colored your world for so long."  
  
"Thank you Re, for everything."  
  
Then to my great surprise and concern Sirius started to pull me in for a tight embrace.  
  
'Oh no, I thought, he's definitely going to notice something he shouldn't, I panicked pulling away from the one person whose arms I'd long desired to be wrapped within.  
  
"My back Sirius," I fibbed seeing the hurt expression that gripped his face and eyes, "I've just sat for too long.I'm sorry"  
  
"Oh God Moony no, I'm sorry," Sirius stammered, the relief from the logical rejection of his brotherly hug showing plainly across his features. "Come on let's get you back down stairs and we can both have something to eat."  
  
Gently Sirius placed his arm around my waist as I turned to extinguish the long burning candles whose wax now decorated the sills in thick clumps and long thin flowing lines. Turning back toward my escort, I felt his grip tighten just hair, drawing me against his side. This time I leaned into the firm body beside me, allowing Moony this rare chance to bask in the warmth of our one true love and mate.  
  
The long hours spent sitting on the attic floor made the journey down the stairs far more painful than I had anticipated. So when Sirius suggested that I settle in my room and allow him to bring dinner up I made no attempt to dissuade him. After his assurance that I had time for a shower while he warmed things up and that he wouldn't just drop off a tray and vanish into the night I limped into the bath and lost myself in the hottest shower my abused body could tolerate.  
  
When I made my way back to the bedroom I was greeted by the beautiful sight of Sirius standing at the window, framed by the silver glow of stars that paled in the light of his own natural radiance.  
  
"Do you know what I miss Re" the still haunted voice flowed easily across the room to my waiting ears, "I miss laying in the grass and looking up at the stars. There was only a small slit for a window in my cell, and now that I'm constantly running, I'm afraid to go outside unless I'm Padfoot. I miss the relaxing beauty of the stars. Silly isn't it?" He asked in earnest turning to face me, allowing the celestial light to dance across his features, the moonlight tangling its beams through his soft obsidian hair.  
  
My God he's so beautiful.  
  
"No Sirius, it isn't silly at all."  
  
For a moment we just stared at each other wondering how the fates could be so cruel as to tear us apart all those years ago and yet so kind as to give us a second chance to embrace the wonder of timeless friendship.  
  
"Come sit down Re, you must be starving."  
  
Doing as I was asked, I moved to sit on the edge of the bed, then scooted slowly toward the center, propping my back against the headboard. Then, very unexpectedly, Sirius settled next to me; a large tray balancing across our shared lap.  
  
To my surprise our feast consisted of warm buttery homemade bread, rice pudding, brown beans, steamed vegetables and the largest portabella mushroom I had ever seen filling the center of the plate as the entrée. Although it was an unusual mix for a Christmas dinner or any dinner for that matter, I certainly wasn't going to complain.not after the obvious amount of planning that had gone into it.  
  
"Siri, you remembered I'm a vegetarian. I wasn't sure last month with the soup, but you giving up your usual holiday ham and roast beef, definitely proves it." I grinned, staring in amazement at a man who was supposed to have no memories of his friends and family.  
  
"You never allowed the wolf to have meat," Sirius smiled shyly in return, "Of course I remembered." Then dropping his voice to barley above a whisper he continued on as though divulging a long kept secret, "I remember everything about you Re."  
  
"Oh," was the only confused and slightly flustered word I was able to form.  
  
Staring down at my plate I nibbled sleepily at small bits of everything until at last I could keep my eyes open no longer and my head bobbed from side to side until my chin finally came to rest against my chest.  
  
"Moony.come on Moony, lay down." Sirius's soft voice coaxed gently in my ear as strong caring hands lowered my head and shoulders slowly to the pillow.  
  
Feeling his weight shift to leave the bed I reached out instinctively; catching his wrist and pulling him down next to me.  
  
"Re?"  
  
"You'll be gone when I wake up," I muttered groggily, "wont you?"  
  
"Yes" he answered honestly, "I have an obligation I have to see to, but I'll be back for the next moon. I promise."  
  
"I'm so tired Siri"  
  
"I know Re, try to get some sleep"  
  
Stroking my forehead and hair with a long slow motion that flowed perfectly with the rhythm of his speech, my friend's soft voice now carried more than a hint of regret. Or perhaps I was simply wishing that it did.  
  
"I'm tired of being alone Paddy, so tired of being alone."  
  
"I promise I'll stay until you fall asleep."  
  
"Thank you Siri."  
  
"No Remus I'm the one who should be thanking you. You've done so much for me."  
  
"Happy Christmas Siri."  
  
"Happy Christmas Re.  
  
I remembered waking only once during the night my fuzzy vision teasing my mind that Sirius laid beside me, his arm wrapped gently across my waist. Choosing this one time to give in to the fantasy, I laid my arm across the phantom weight and drifted into a dreamless sleep as strong thick fingers intertwined within my own.  
~~~~January ~~~~  
  
Re, The days of my existence in Azkaban were marked not by months or years but by the phases of the moon. A moon I could barley see through tiny slits in the ceiling of my cell. During that time pictures I painted for the pages of my mental calendar changed very little and their descriptions even less:  
  
Full Moon Night: Although he'll never admit it aloud, my best friend is anxious and frightened. My best friend is in pain; and because of me, his pack is gone.  
  
Waning Quarter: My friend is calm and quiet, and although the wolf is still near, this is the time when he sleeps most peacefully; and smiles most easily. How I wish I could be there, just one more time.just one time to see him smile.  
  
New Moon: My friend is working himself at a mind-boggling pace, barely sleeping or eating. Frantically trying to use this time of near single- mindedness to accomplish tasks that require the most clarity of thought.  
  
Waxing Quarter: The fight for dominance begins. My friend is struggling against the will of the ever growling, commanding, and criticizing wolf. My friend always wins.  
  
Full Moon: My best friend is in pain and because of me the wolf marks the loss of his pack by lashing out at an innocent man who never asked for any of the hell that life has handed him. My best friend never complains.  
  
Now I count the hours after moon set. The hours I am able to spend with the wonderful friend whose image gave me a reason to live when I never thought I would experience life again.  
  
Thank you Remus for being my friend. For helping me as only you can. for giving me a life worth living.  
  
Happy Christmas Sirius  
These were the words that greeted me on the morning of December 26th and haunted me every minute of each passing day.  
  
I had awakened to hot peppermint tea and the long hidden star-sapphire ring waiting at my bedside. With out even thinking I slipped the platinum circle onto my right ring finger, grabbed the mug of tea and headed to the attic as quickly as my aching muscles would allow.  
  
To my great surprise I found the room to be spotless; the previous night's dig for hidden treasure completely untraceable even to the eyes of a werewolf. The only thing out of place was the neatly folded parchment that lay tented atop my school trunk.  
  
Sinking to my knees I read the note over and over until my tea had grown cold and the platinum band spun loosely around my numb but trembling fingers.  
  
Sirius truly believed that I was the one to be thanked when in reality it was he who had saved me so many times. Saved me from loneliness, saved me from the wolf, and ultimately saved me from myself. There had to be something I could do to show the raven -haired rebel, whose self-esteem I now needed to help lift, how much his friendship meant to me. There had to be some gift I could give him in return for all he had done for me and as I looked down at the ring spinning easily around my finger I started to piece together the beginning of a plan.  
  
Grabbing the parchment in one had and my tea in the other I headed down to the kitchen intent on mapping out the ground- work that would need to laid before the next moonrise. It was only after several hours of research and a brief chat with Albus, via the kitchen fireplace, that I felt comfortable enough with my fledgling plan to finally make my way to the living room meaning to spell away the remains of a Christmas celebration that had been anything but what I had expected.  
  
When I entered the living room I was surprised to discover my canine cohort had again played house elf. The ugly little Christmas Tree had been neatly disposed of and the pieces of furniture that had be rearranged to accommodate its presence had been returned to their rightful places.  
  
Late that night as I sat in the sanctuary of the overstuffed chair gazing at a ring I'd not worn in fourteen years, I finally allowed my heart to be warmed by thoughts of the previous evening.  
  
Sirius had obviously stayed long enough to return to the attic, long enough to go through my trunk, and long enough to clean up the house. Perhaps the comforting weight had been real, perhaps he *had* stayed long enough to linger in the warmth of a shared bed.  
  
Suddenly the meager gift I sought to give my treasured pack-mate became far more important.  
  
So for the next twenty-six days I had plotted, sought advise, placed wards, tested wards, and plotted some more; but in the end. all my plans where shot to hell in a hand-basket by mother nature.  
  
Just this once, why couldn't something turn out the way I thought it should? All I wanted to do was give my only friend, a friend who had done so much for me, a simple gift. Was that really too much to ask?  
  
Apparently so, for when the morning of the January full dawned it was clear and so bitterly cold that it would be impossible for Moony and Padfoot to run out doors let alone present my friend with the surprise I worked on so diligently.  
  
Resigned to the fact I would have to wait another month to see a look of joy on the beautiful face of a man I had come to love even more than I had in youth; I turned my attention to the cold damp cellar that would be Moony's prison for over seventeen hours.  
  
Honoring Sirius's wishes I had again forgone the use of the wolfsbane potion, believing this long moonlit run would be another glorious night of fur and friendship. Instead the wolf would be contained and alone with out the benefit of the potions calming effect for the first time in many moons. Brave, loyal and foolhardy as he was, I would not ask nor allow the long caged animagus to join me in the suffocating space. My only hope was that he would be there at moonset to help heal the damage I knew the claws and teeth of my enraged canine alias would inflict upon my flesh.  
  
Restless as usual before the moon I strolled aimlessly through the house hoping that Sirius would arrive in time for me to speak with him before retreating to the earthen tomb below. From room to room I wandered, finally making my way to the crisp but refreshing air of the attic, where once again I was reminded of my friends desire to face the past, desire that ran so deep he had even pillaged through my own battered trunk. The fact that he had not asked my permission to do so bothered me not in the least. The fact that he'd found his precious gift to me banished to the deepest recesses possible made my stomach churn and my heart ache for the pain he surely felt upon its discovery.  
  
Pulled from my thoughts by a sudden shift in the air I turned quickly while drawing my wand in a sweeping fluid motion.  
  
"You're getting slow in your old age Re." the rich baritone voice of my eagerly awaited friend teased as I stood facing him, wand at the ready. "I can remember a time when you would have scented me before I made it past the front door'.  
  
"Hello Padfoot." I smiled lowering the simple wooden stick that held the power to amplify my own ten- fold. "I'm glad you made it before moonrise I need to talk to you about the arrangements for the transformation."  
  
"What. arrangements?' the suddenly defensive fugitive growled, taking a decisive step toward me, as though I were about to bolt from the room.  
  
"Siri it's far too cold for an outdoor run, and obviously we can't spend the next seventeen hours allowing Moony to destroy Dumbledore's cottage, so." I paused, unintentionally taking a step back at the look of comprehending fury that already gripped my pack-mates features, "I'll be spending the moon in the cellar.it'll be safe.and well.obviously it won't be anything like running with you.it'll be safe and ah Moony will be fine." I was babbling now, I knew I was and yet I couldn't stop.not looking at that face. not staring into those eyes.oh god those eyes.  
  
"Remus," the taller wizard barked, using the difference in height to his advantage as he grasped my shoulders and glared dangerously into the eyes of trapped but hungry animal. "You will not cage Moony, he'll tear you apart and I won't stand by and watch that happen. I spent two years worth of moonsets sitting by your side in the hospital wing at Hogwarts praying that you'd be alright after Moony mauled you for caging him."  
  
"There's no other way Siri," I whispered, sinking onto the trunk my now furious friend had rummaged through twenty-seven days before. " I won't let you go down there with me.it's too dangerous." I finished softly, staring at my feet with unobserved embarrassment.  
  
To my surprise my last statement was met with nothing more than silence. Finally raising my eyes I found my friend had moved to the attic door and was now grinning at me as though he'd pulled off the ultimate prank on Snape.no not just Snape.Snape and Malfoy!  
  
"Sirius, did you hear me," I persisted, employing the voice I'd most recently used when confronting the antics of Fred and George Weasley, but had really been perfected for use against the combined pleading of James and the still capable schemer who now stood only inches in front of me.  
  
"Oh, I heard you Re," the still grinning wizard confirmed, as he knelt before me. I could feel the sweet tingle of his peppermint chilled breath teasing across my face, teasing the heart of the wolf who now loomed so frighteningly near. The test of my resolve to tame the beast's desires was stretched to its limit when my friend's strong warm hand reached out to weave callused fingers between my own; pulling gently as he rose, urging me to a standing position. "but the idea of allowing the wolf a chance to brutalize you like that was simply to ludicrous to comment on."  
  
"Damn it Paddy this is serious."  
  
"Re, I know it is," the suddenly solemn wizard interrupted, his face a mask of pain and persistence, "I'm not going down in that cellar.but neither are you."  
  
"Paddy I have ."  
  
"not when we have a perfectly good playground right here." Sirius finished gesturing to the large open expanse of the attic, as the roguish canine grin returned in full to light every feature of his still youthful face.  
  
"What.oh, I don't know Siri.."  
  
"Damn it Re," my friend growled; anger and guilt finally bubbling to the surface as fiercely as the calm of the prefect bath tub turned suddenly to full frothing waves, "I know it's not as good as the forest by any means but it sure as hell beats that torture chamber with the claw gouged door and the blood stained floor. How many times have you been down there?" the now sobbing wizard demanded strictly rhetorically. "Did Albus let you come here over the years when you had no where else to go..is *that* where you went that first full moon after we all left you.that first moon you spent alone. I won't let you go down there Re.I can't let you go down there."  
  
Acting strictly on instinct I pulled my shattered friend into a tight embrace, it wasn't romantic, it simply happened, just as it had so many times in our youth. We were both crying now.the truth lay open and raw between us yet the wonderful comfort of a friend was so fulfilling even the surfacing wolf was content to bask in the warmth that flowed between us.  
  
"Please Re, there's still ninety minutes until moonrise. That's plenty of time for me to place the necessary charms and reinforcements," the once again calming voice of my friend soothed as he ran trembling fingers slowly up and down the curve of my spine.  
  
Pulling away from the strong warm body before me, I simply nodded still unable to find my voice after my friend's unveiled truths that did not require acknowledgement. We both knew he had spoken of insight gleaned from the inquisitiveness of a guilty conscious. Perhaps in helping my friend to search his soul I couldn't help but confront the demons of my own.  
  
"*I* can do this Re. *You* go downstairs and try to take a nap," my long time protector instructed leaving me no room for argument. " I'll wake you in plenty of time to come back up and get settled."  
  
Smiling my inexpressible degree of gratitude, I turned to descend the steep attic stairs. As I entered the kitchen, the soft sound of my companion reciting spells I was amazed he could remember, drove me to a newly heightened resolve. Sirius had found a way once again to save me and I would find a way to give my friend his gift.tomorrow night.  
  
I hated begging for help but this time it was necessary. Tossing a handful of powder into the fireplace I spoke in a clear but quiet voice.  
  
"Albus . would you come over please? I need to ask a favor"  
  
`````*````  
  
Having been my advisor through out the last few weeks Albus was already aware of the gift I'd intended to give Sirius, but didn't seem to share my disappointment in the cruelty of mother nature's effects on my plan.  
  
"Remus, moon-rise is in sixty - five minutes, you have far more important things to worry about between now and the time Sirius comes to wake you, then how to salvage your plan." The white haired wizard reprimanded softly, laying powerful, yet gentle wrinkled hands on my deceptively muscular shoulders.  
  
The mysterious headmaster simply smiled when I raised a tawny eyebrow in defiance of his last statement knowing that I saw nothing as being more important than the happiness of my friend.  
  
"For instance," he continued on, "how angry the always protective Mr. Black will become when instead of sleeping as he suggested he finds you are awake and fretting over something you aren't willing to explain to him."  
  
Nodding my head in agreement to what I knew would be an understatement of my friends reaction, I then asked what my mentor would suggest as a suitable substitute for the scheme I'd spent the last four weeks planning.  
  
I was treated to a idea that would have made James and Sirius both bow down in reverence to a man who easily could have been a marauder himself. A plan that had taken me weeks to perfect was replaced in ten minutes by one that exceeded my own in every aspect but one.  
  
"Now, as we are agreed on the manner of arrival and departure and the major points of this undertaking, please Remus, take some rest and allow me to handle everything else," my long time friend and mentor finished with a wink and quickly departed to begin setting the stage for what I hoped would be a very special surprise.  
  
When Sirius gently shook my shoulder fifteen minutes before moonrise he was non the wiser to Albus's brief visit.  
  
"Were you able to get any sleep," the concerned voice asked as we walked side by side up the attic stairs.  
  
"A little," I replied, my voice already shaking slightly in response to the approaching change. It wasn't completely a lie, I'd probably slept for five or ten minutes before he woke me.  
  
When we arrived at the door to what we both knew was a gateway to a world beyond my control, I stopped short, suddenly and inexplicably frantic and shaking.  
  
"I don't want you in there while I change" I gasped turning pleading amber eyes toward my stunned and wide eyed companion, "I don't want you to see me like that."  
  
"Like what Remus," the tall dark man beside me asked quietly, never loosing his composure.  
  
"Wild and torn apart.out of control.dark and."  
  
"Stop it Re." Sirius snapped, as he pressed my shoulders firmly against the wall, his voice raised to a growl only long enough to break my tirade. " Stop it. Look at me! This isn't your fault, it never has been and I will never see you like that. You're my smart, funny, *beautiful* friend, who has to go through hell every month." Sirius soothed, pressing his forehead to my own, forcing me to meet his gaze as he gently rubbed circles across my shoulders with strong calming hands. "Come on, we need to get inside," he continued adamantly as the strong hands that had been at my shoulders traced slowly down my arms until our hands clasped and Sirius backed slowly through the doorway leading me with him.  
  
"It's okay Remus, I remember you always felt this way during the afternoon changes. Last month it was dark in the shed and you were already upset because you thought I wasn't there, so the afternoon light didn't bother you. But I knew it would this time. See Remus," he paused just inside the attic, "I darkened it.like it's a summer change. Come on in I need to secure the door and moonrise is in six minutes.you need to get ready." His voice trailed off and I could see his face crimson as he released the bond of our still clasped hands.  
  
So much for thinking he was comfortable with physical contact.  
  
Walking slowly across the wooden threshold I marveled at the changes my friend had thought to make in preparation for the long hours ahead.  
  
Not only had he darkened the room to help eliminate my feelings of embarrassment at having to transform in the light of day, but he'd also cast a warming charm and staggered and stacked boxes and trunks through out the room, guaranteeing a quality game of hide and seek even without the benefit of rocks, trees and shrubbery.  
  
For the first time since our reunion in July I felt self-conscious, as I stood rooted to the floor reluctant to face my childhood friend after I had removed my robe and placed it securely out of reach.  
  
Still facing the wall I lowered my scarred and scrawny frame to the floor, not even noticing that the soft sound of Sirius's charm work had been replaced by heavy footfall until I felt soft cotton fabric draped across my back and strong arms pulling me close.  
  
My raven haired friend had removed his robe and now sat next to me clad in only his jeans, tugging my torso tight against his chest, as the billowing black robe fell softly around us. Though far from his build of youth, Sirius had definitely regained much of his weight and muscle tone.  
  
"You should change," I stammered trying without success to pull away from the wonderful warmth and cedar smell of my mate.no, no my friend.my friend.  
  
"I know when to change Remy." Sirius soothed, the seldom- used nickname falling easily from smooth full lips. "Try to relax, just lean against me until it starts. I promise it will be Padfoot's eyes the wolf sees when it's done. Try to relax. I'll take care of you, I promise."  
  
Those were the last words I remembered as the fog of reformation rolled in and my own reality became that of a silent observer trapped within the fur and flesh of a surprisingly fearful creature. Moony knew the world hated him.the entire world. except the cantankerous canine who came to his side month after month. the only one who had even shown him love.  
  
"Remus, Remus.come on Re you need to wake up. Come on it's almost six o'clock. Come on Re.wake up." The soft coaxing voice, that spoke words of love every night in my dreams, continued urging me to a state of semi alertness.  
  
"Paddy? Where are we?" I pleaded rising abruptly to a sitting position, then cursed my action for the nausea it caused to rise within me.  
  
"It's okay Re, calm down. We're in the attic, remember." My sapphire-eyed guardian reassured in a low even tone that mirrored the rhythm with which his wide palms and nimble fingers were massaging the knotted muscles of my long pale calves.  
  
"I barely remember anything from last night," I admitted, then hesitantly added, "did Moony behave himself."  
  
"Moony was a very good little wolf, almost too good," Sirius chuckled. "I just thought it would be a good idea to get off this hard drafty floor and into a nice warm bed." He answered then blushed at what he must have considered an inappropriate choice of words and quickly amended his suggestion. "I mean get *you* into a nice warm bed. Do you think you can stand?"  
  
"Yes, Paddy, I can stand.walk too," I chided him, as I rose with attempted grace and dignity to my full height without assistance, but swayed dangerously when I tried to take my first hesitant steps.  
  
Gratefully I accepted the support of a strong comforting arm that snaked around my slender waist and pulled me close to warm solid flesh I had longed desired to tease and taste. Instead I returned my mind to a safe line of thought I'd participated in only moments ago.  
  
"What do you mean Moony was almost *too* good" I asked as we made our way slowly to the living quarters below.  
  
"You really don't remember do you?" Sirius asked, puzzlement at the idea of my disconnectedness causing his question to flow in jagged mix of tempo.  
  
"No," I admitted reluctantly, the previous night's embarrassment returning in full.  
  
"I'm sorry Remy, I didn't mean it that way. I'm just surprised because, well uh. Moony seemed so.human last night." Sirius answered as he helped me to settle in my large lonely bed after a quick stop by the bathroom.  
  
"Human?" I questioned, disbelief looming heavy between us.  
  
"Yes, human." He reiterated  
  
"What did I do?" I asked, barely recognizing my own voice dressed as it was in a cloak of cautious apprehension.  
  
Leaning back against the headboard, Sirius made himself comfortable only inches from where I lay prone with my head cradled in my favorite goose down pillow.  
  
"Well Re," Sirius began, as he absentmindedly combed his fingers gently through the length of my hair, "we played for a little bit, then Moony started sniffing everything...checking out the new space I suppose. It all seemed fine until he got to James' school trunk, and then he just stopped." Sirius, paused for a moment, staring into space as though he were watching the scene unfold on a muggle cinema screen. Then he continued on in a choked, raspy tone that caused the wolf to tremble in the back of his cage, even as I snuggled closer to the comfort of a jean-clad hip that rested so very close to my anxious lips. "Moony started sniffing the trunk, then laid down next it, his back curled against it.like it was Prongs.like Moony was saying goodbye. I stood there for a few minutes thinking you'd get back up, but you just laid there. Finally I curled up next to you and I we both must have fallen asleep because the next sound I heard was Moony's whimpers when the transformation started. I always worried about you being alone after we were gone but somehow I never thought about how much the wolf would miss us.as friends." Sirius finished, his hand coming to rest at the nape of my neck.  
  
"I honestly don't remember any of last night," I whispered, not wanting to break the spell that seemed to surround us in this intimate moment of grief and closure. "I wish I did."  
  
"I'll never forget it." Sirius strangled voice choked, as he slid his long body down the mattress until he rested with his forehead pressed against my own, silver tear track glistening against pain drenched features.  
  
I have no idea how long we stayed like that, lost in grief yet comforted by friendship, but that time spent laying in the silence of a sunlit bedroom brought more comfort to me than any trip to James grave ever had.  
  
Finally Sirius regained his composure and his voice. Seeming to believe, for some reason that he was about to deliver very disturbing news, the suddenly nervous wizard bit anxiously on his bottom lip as he pushed himself up on a still knobby elbow, the side of his face pressed slightly upward by the angle of the supporting hand.  
  
"Re, after the transformation back, and I knew you were okay.well, as okay as you are after transforming.I mean you were sleeping and you weren't bleeding or anything. I uh, well I couldn't sleep so I laid there and watched you for a while.you know to make sure you were okay and all.well after a while I went down to the kitchen to make lunch and well.to be honest I was going to leave.but I didn't want to leave you in the attic and I didn't want to risk moving you down the stairs since they're so steep.so I stayed later and uh. well uh.while I was in the kitchen.Albus stopped by."  
  
"Sirius," I chuckled, knowing my acting abilities were soon going to be put to the test, "are you this nervous about telling me that Albus found you here?"  
  
"No Re actually, he uh, came to give me a message." My obviously very anxious friend admitted, then much to my displeasure moved to a sitting position, quickly rose to his feet and started pacing about the room, " you see Remus, I'm very concerned about Harry and I really feel I should to be closer to Hogwarts in case I'm needed. So Albus found me a hiding place and I was supposed to go there this afternoon, but something happened to change the plan and now I can't go until *5 am* and Albus said I should stay here with you till then and.Remus why are you looking at me like that?"  
  
"Paddy, came here and sit down," I suggested, gently patting a spot on the bed beside me, and much to my surprise the good little pup did as he was told. "I know about the cave Sirius, I spent most of last week there placing wards and testing illusion charms, to ensure your safety. I also thought you would be going there today, but if Albus needs you to stay longer, Sirius, you are welcome to stay." I finished reaching hesitantly out to cover his hand with my own. "Sirius, did Dumbledore tell you we'd be taking a short trip tonight in order to get you to the correct flu connections.?"  
  
"No he just told be that you would make sure I got were I needed to be, but I didn't know you were in on all the planning Re."  
  
For a moment I simply smiled in return, and thought to myself.'if only you knew Sirius, if only you knew.'  
  
"Actually Siri, we need to leave around midnight.we have a special stop we have to make, so you might want to think about getting some rest.it's going to be a long night" I suggested barely managing to keep the glow of excitement from my face and voice. I could hardly wait to see what I hoped would be a look of joy and excitement in my friends still lackluster eyes.  
  
"Oh, right, okay .I guess I'll go catch a nap on the sofa." My friend stammered rising to his feet once again and backing toward the hallway.  
  
"Oh, yes the sofa right.sure.uh.well, I'll wake you about midnight" I babbled in reply to my blushing friend as the door closed silently between us.  
  
````````````  
  
Sleep, of course, did not come easily. Although Albus and I had decided on the basics of what I would encounter tonight, many parts of my surprise for Sirius would be equally surprising to myself. Finally giving up on the idea of passing the next eight hours in a restful repose, I decided on my attire for the evening and made my way to the shower. Thirty minutes later, dressed in dark gray woolen trousers and a forest green sweater I alighted to the main floor intent on cleaning the kitchen and preparing a pre- surprise snack I sincerely hoped my guest would appreciate. But like many good intentions my plans were changed by the sight of the beautiful man I longed desperately to claim as my mate.  
  
Sirius was stretched on the cream colored sofa, his muggle jeans which lay puddled on the floor, had been replaced by a simple green cotton sheet that miraculously covered only the region between navel and knees. And for the first time I saw his beautifully chiseled face completely relaxed; a sign of trust and comfort I hoped.  
  
Sinking into my favorite fireside chair, I allowed myself to openly stare at the incredible sight before me. Siri's long raven locks lay fanned around his head, neck and shoulders burning like rays of an obsidian sun against the pale perfect flesh I had long desired to mark as my own. His long body was stretched in an easy sprawl covering the seat of the sofa. My lupine eyes took in every detail of his well-toned calves that dangled temptingly across the armrest and the rippling muscles in his left arm which cascaded gently to the floor.  
  
But the slowly moving right hand of the now softly mumbling wizard was quickly becoming the focal point of my visual meal.  
  
Long thick fingers which had guided a broom through many intricate moves now slid gently down the back of the sofa, his lightly furred arm bending heavily at the elbow caused the fingers to land upon a taut dark bud which they automatically rubbed then knowingly turned and traced a line of soft black hair to the top of the now tented sheet that covered my friends obvious and quite impressive erection. Slowly the now very envied fingers circled the swelling length and began a practiced rhythm to which my shallow breath fell quickly in time. All my senses where concentrated on the splendid form that now lay before me, panting, moaning and glistening with a light sheen of sweat in the glow of red and orange firelight. Up and down, faster and tighter I watched the digits circle and squeeze. Louder and louder the voice of the wolf cried out in my heart and mind. "Mine.Mine" he growled over and over, commanding me to bat away the intrusive appendage and replace it with tongue, lips and teeth that would nip and suckle until the cream of contentment filled our belly like warm milk on a cold winter night. It wasn't until I realized my own skilled hand was moving in a tempo of it's own that I gasped in horror at the reality of my thoughts and actions and quickly bolted from the room.  
  
Safely in the kitchen, away from the sight of my ravishing friend I was able to slow my cantering, even as the low sleep-drenched moan of anguished lonely release ghosted across lupine ears, reminding me painfully how very unattainable my deeply desired intimacy with this wonderful man truly was.  
  
As long as I'd know him Sirius had never.ever expressed romantic interest in a male. Surely if I had stayed any longer I'd have heard the name of whatever 'moan worthy' companion his dream filled mind had envision.  
  
"Remus,"  
  
"Oh, Gods Paddy," I snapped unintentionally as I reluctantly turned to greet my still flush faced friend, "you startled me."  
  
"Sorry Re, but you were making enough noise out here to wake the dead." Sirius grinned, his hands now busy adjusting the sheet into an acceptable toga design, "I don't remember you being quite so violent when you cooked before."  
  
"I guess I'm still a bit out of sorts from the change." I lied, turning quickly to the stove as I realized the scent of Sirius' seed was driving the wolf further and further from my control.  
  
"You better go up and shower," I suggested as casually as my arousal deepened voice would allow, "we need to leave shortly, and it's not like I installed running water in that cave for you."  
  
"Well the jokes on you then," my dark haired friend chuckled raising perfectly arched eyebrows, "I guess I'll just have to come by and use your shower more often.as Padfoot.so I can run around your house shaking water and fur everywhere." The laughing voice ceased abruptly as the form of a large black dog went bounding up the stairs.  
  
"Padfoot don't you dare," I bellowed tearing after the barking, shaking mass of fur that threatened to ruin my tidy abode.  
  
`````````` Somehow, by the grace of Godric, at 12:01 I stood in front of the living room fireplace, nervously explaining to the wide-eyed animagus that, due to the fact that I wanted him to be surprised I was going to momentarily impair his sight and hearing while we floo'd to our destination, assuring him that his senses would return immediately upon our arrival."  
  
"Sweet Merlin, Remus you don't have to do anything like this for me.you've done so much already," my honestly amazed and confused friend protested as I tried to convince him to remove his boots and socks on what had to be the coldest night in fifteen years, "I wouldn't be able to face myself in the bathroom glass if it wasn't for you Re."  
  
"Come on Siri we need go," I prodded trying without success not to show my own excitement for pending adventure, "we have a limited amount of time to work with and I want you to enjoy this as long as you can. "  
  
Finally after twenty-eight days of planning, I circled my arm around the momentarily blind and deaf, wizard who's implicit trust I had obviously re- earned, and spoke the words of a what promised to be an enchanted oasis for a for a still fearful pup and his lupine guide.  
  
Moments later we alighted from swirling soot and flame into a wide expanse of grass, flowers, and warm, sweet springtime air. But most importantly was the vast star-lit sky that surrounded us like a cloak of black velvet imbued with diamonds. Of course the barely waning moon also loomed above us, but even the still strong pull of the pale silver orb couldn't dampen my spirits as the slowly comprehending fugitive realized the gift he'd be given.  
  
"Where are we Re," the awe-struck voice of my suddenly fearful friend pleaded as he at last took notice that all signs of our entry way had vanished and only the open and unprotected night had taken its place.  
  
"It's alright Siri, you're safe," I reassured placing a hesitant hand lightly on his shoulder, "I worked on placing wards around the house and grounds all month, but in the end it was just too cold, and I thought everything was ruined. But when you were so determined to keep me from using the cellar to transform, I knew I couldn't just give up on this. So yesterday afternoon when you were securing the attic I asked Albus to help me find an alternate location. I promise you can't be seen. I'd never do anything to jeopardize your safety Paddy. I just wanted to give you the stars."  
  
Faster than I could react Sirius had wrapped me an embrace so tight it felt as if we'd become one flesh.  
  
"Thank you Remy.thank you," my emotion choked friend whispered, his lips softly brushing the words against the tender flesh of my neck.  
  
Then quick as a flash he was off, running through the grass toward a large tree half way across the clearing.  
  
"Come on Re, don't just stand there.betcha can't catch me" the swiftly fleeing wizard teased as he neared the tree I knew he'd be climbing within moments.  
  
"That's not fair Paddy," I called already closing the distance between us, "you really should give yourself more of a head start if you want to win."  
  
In Padfoot form he could beat me, but on human legs he had very little chance of matching my lupine enhanced speed and grace.  
  
To my surprise when I reached the tree Sirius had not begun to climb but instead was kneeling next to a picnic style basket he'd found hidden at the base of the tree. Two thoughts immediately raced through my mind at the sight of what my friend was pulling from the wicker treasure chest; the first being "what the hell was Albus trying to do" and second being "how many pins would I have to spot him at bowling to ever begin to thank him enough".  
  
"A broom.oh God Remus, I haven't flown on a broom in fourteen years," the former beater practically squealed as he pulled the Firebolt from the magically space-enhanced basket. "Hop on Re.let's go for a spin."  
  
"Oh, no" I stammered, declining the invitation and taking a few steps away from the now wild eyed wizard.  
  
"Oh come on Re. pleeeeeease!"  
  
"Sirius you just admitted that it's been fourteen years since you've flown on a broom," I reasoned, hoping that just once logic might prevail in the mind of my impetuous friend.  
  
"So, I've flown on Buckbeak."  
  
"That's entirely different." I argued adamantly, "Buckbeak has a brain, he simply tolerates you telling him where you want him to go. He's not going to allow you to crash him into a tree while you're getting there."  
  
"So?"  
  
"So? So, that broom is completely under your control, and the last time I flew with you, your landing landed me in the hospital wing."  
  
"That wasn't my fault," Sirius defended himself knowing that for once I had picked the wrong platform from which to argue, "I told you to hang on to me, but Oh Noooo, you just had to be 'Mr. I'm in control. Mr. I'll be fine hanging on to the back of the bristles'.  
  
Besides Re.you said we only have a short time here. I don't want to spend it with me soaring around in the air and you standing down here." The once again mischievous eyes had grown soft and pleading.  
  
By his last softly spoken statement I was struck silent. There was no possible way for me to argue against Sirius not wanting to be separated from me. So reluctantly I swung my leg over the magical instrument of wood and straw, placed my hands lightly on my friend's waist and closed my eyes as the sweet enchanted breeze flowed freely across my face and through my hair.  
  
"Please Siri not too hiiiiiiiiigh."  
  
"Relax Re," my throttle happy chauffeur called against the wind as we continued to pick up speed, "you used to fly higher and faster than Prongs and I ever dreamed of."  
  
"It's not the speed *or* the height that I'm worried about Siri," I replied having to lean across his broad muscular back to get close enough for him to hear me. "It's the wards."  
  
"Then you can quit fretting my dear professor, I may not have all my skills perfectly honed but I'm well aware of the boundaries in which I'm flying." Sirius promised and then proceeded to prove his point by racing into a tight spinning cork-screw that ran the length of the field, pulling out at the very last moment to sweep us up in a series of huge perfect loops that spanned from starry ceiling cap to grassy floor.  
  
"Brilliant flying oh bright one," I cheered breathlessly as my heart returned to normal rhythm after the exhilarating display of aerobatics to which I'd just been treated. Attempting to show my own bit of daring I decided to leave my arms circled gently around his waist until we landed or he complained, which ever came first.  
  
Having proven he could still fly with all the grace and speed of his youth, Sirius was then content to spend the next hour simply enjoying the feel of the wind sweetly kissing his face and brushing cool finger currents through the long strands of inky black hair that tangled intimately with my own flowing tawny tresses. For while we were flying I'd become far more- bold; having spent the last half hour with my chest curled against my moon-time protectors strong warm back, my head resting lightly on his shoulder.  
  
"Tired Re?" Sirius asked softy, pulling a slightly sweaty hand away from the broom handle and placing it gently across my own.  
  
"A bit," I admitted, secretly pleased with the easily accepted excuse to be so close to the warm strong body that fit perfectly against my own.  
  
Quietly chastising himself for not taking into consideration how sore I still must be from the moon, Sirius began making slow sweeping circles, each one bringing us ever closer to the lush grassy ground.  
  
"Okay Re we're down," my pilot announced as we both deftly swung our legs to the ground. Turning to face me Sirius grimaced at the sight of me rubbing my nearly numb backside. "I'm really sorry Re, God your arse has got to hurt like a bitch after riding on my broom stick for an hour."  
  
Looking slowly up to meet the mortified eyes of my now red faced friend, I merely raised a tawny eyebrow in reply to the innocent statement that was causing nothing but soundless words to flow from perfect pale lips.  
  
Taking pity on the all but cowering canine before me, I grabbed him firmly by the elbow and started back toward the tree where we'd first started our now memorable flight.  
  
"Come on Siri, let's go raid the goodies I saw packed in that basket." I called taking off at a trot "I'll race you back"  
  
The taller man that now trailed a good distance behind me had always been competitive by nature, so the mere fact that he did not transform to his faster canine form in order to beat me to the bark and leaf covered destination only further proved how very much this fleeting night of starlit freedom meant to him.  
  
Turning back to check the distance between us I was surprised to see he'd stopped only a few meters from our starting point and was looking intently at a brightly twinkling spot in the night sky.  
  
At the sight of my suddenly entranced friend, all thoughts of races, brooms and misspoken comments fled my mind as the realization of what this time meant to him hit me with the force of Moony's monthly emergence.  
  
Silently I summoned the basket then re-traced my steps until I stood only inches behind the still motionless form, debating the best way to help my obviously struggling friend. In our youth Sirius had always been the one to reach out to others, always been the one to throw his heart on the table and offer it as protection or punching bag just as he'd still done for me only the night before.  
  
"It's still there." Sirius suddenly stated, the sound of his unexpected comment pulling me from my inner reflection. "I knew it was of course, I've seen it as Padfoot and also when I was riding on Buckbeak, but I've not had a chance to simply look at it since October of 1981. I think it's different."  
  
"Of course it's different," I confirmed setting down the basket and placing my hands lightly on his shoulders. "but it still shines with the same light.nothing can change that."  
  
"Are you sure Re," my friend questioned, turning to face me, "are you really sure that it's seen for its own light, and not the for darkness that surrounds it?"  
  
"Sirius will always be a bright, beautiful guiding light. The dog -star is a constant, it never waivers.it never has.it never will. Clouds may over shadow it for a time, but its unfailing light is still there." I answered honestly, both of us knowing the dazzling beauty of the diamond bright light above us had never been in question.  
  
This was only the second day I'd spent with my friend in human form since his escape from the hell that is Azkaban, and I was still only beginning to see the real damage that thirteen years at the mercy of the dementors had done. Hopefully over the coming months there would be more time to dig below the surface of the slowly mending heart and mind of a man who had always been far more complex than his devil may care attitude had made him appear.  
  
Silently I pulled my still very fragile friend into a light embrace hoping to steady myself against the dizziness that lack of food and sleep was causing me to combat.  
  
Noticing the swaying of my body and shaking of my hands, Sirius gently lowered us to the ground then turned from me to quickly rummage through the basket pulling out the treats that Albus had so wisely thought to pack.  
  
"When's the last time you ate Re?" My once again composed companion demanded, taking strength as he always had in the opportunity to care for a friend.  
  
"Lunch," I whispered meeting misty storm raged orbs, then dropping my eyes to the plate of fruit and cheese that had been placed in my lap, I hesitantly continued, "day before yesterday."  
  
I expected to be yelled at. I expected to be lectured. I did not expect the sound of my friend's quiet confused voice asking a question I was not prepared to answer.  
  
"Why are you still alone Re? What's happened in your life to make seeing a mess of a man like me each month seem like such a treat?"  
  
"It *is* a treat to see you Paddy." I responded without hesitation knowing I could answer the easy parts of his question with complete honesty. "Moony and I have missed you more than you could possibly know, and Sirius, you are far from being a mess my friend." I continued finally turning to face a man I expected to be staring at me with unbelieving eyes. But again my expectations were not met. Instead I was greeted by the sight of my childhood friend stretched comfortably in the soft grass gazing at the moon and stars, his head cradled by palms and intertwined fingers of large masculine hands.  
  
Somehow, even after seven years of witnessing this comforting sight, I had mistaken the tone of his voice for pity and self- loathing .it wasn't. My friend was simply irritated that he couldn't read my thoughts and motives as he'd always been able to. Sirius felt I was lost to him.and he wanted me back.  
  
Following his lead I arranged my long limbs in a comfortable sprawl, but the cushion of my own slender hands was not nearly as adequate as my friend's pillowed paws.  
  
"You're not doing it right Remus," Sirius corrected, never tearing his gaze from the celestial celebration above us, "don't you remember how this works best?"  
  
'Of course I remember,' I thought to myself, 'I could see us lounging by the lake at midnight as clear as if it was yesterday'. I had to admit though, it hurt that Sirius remembered everything about me.dementors were supposed to steal all your happy memories.wiped completely from your mind until someone relayed them to you in detail. So why was my image so clear within his heart?  
  
"I wasn't sure you were up for sharing tonight," I replied aloud as I changed the angle of my body so my head rested easily on the comfortable triangular pillow of his bent bicep and forearm, my shoulder fitting snug against his chest.  
  
"Now, my dear Moony," Sirius rebuked with mock sternness, "how about you try and give me something that resembles an honest answer to my question instead of the crock of crap you just tried to shove down my throat like one of Poppy's putrid potions. Then we'll go on to the one that you so nicely avoided."  
  
"It *was* an honest answer," I replied simply, "one I didn't even have to stop and think about, though I know it'll take a good deal of convincing to get you to believe it." I added knowingly, elbowing him lightly in his still too prominent rib cage, then continued on hoping if I took long enough extolling the virtues of his friendship he might give me a reprieve on the second half of his inquiry. "Siri, you've been my best friend since I was eleven years old. Even after thirteen years apart you still know more and care more about me than anyone I've ever met...including my parents. Just spending the moons with Padfoot and reading your notes was a treat...sharing time like this is treasure." I finished softly.  
  
"Remus, why are you still alone?" Although never tensing his body, my still prone packmate's voice trembled on each word as though their mere existence in combination was painful to his soul.  
  
"Please don't feel sorry for me Paddy," I pleaded, while mentally chastising myself for the words I had uttered over the last several moons. It was bad enough that I had spoken of silencing the wolf's whimpers for a mate he would never possess; but bemoaning my self induced solitude on Christmas night to a man who'd spent thirteen alone, had been reprehensible. The fact that he had not admonished me for my selfishness but instead stayed long after I'd drifted off to sleep served only to remind me how foolish I had been to ever believe him capable of betraying his dearest friends.  
  
"I'll answer your question Siri, although I'd prefer not to, but I have a question of my own to which I feel I' m entitled to an answer."  
  
"Go ahead Re," Sirius encouraged me, "I have nothing to hide from you."  
  
"I spoke with Harry after the first task and I'd like to know which face is real," I demanded softly, "the one you present to me or the one you present to him."  
  
"The only time I hid my true self from you Remus, my best mate and his wife wound up dead." Sirius answered quietly but without pause, "I will never hide myself from you again. Harry will see a slightly different after Azkaban version of his godfather each time we meet. I don't ever want him to be in a position of easily recognizing me in a crowd. It places him in danger as much as it does me." Sirius paused briefly after what was an unexpected but unusually logical explanation, but then continued on in a ghostly soft voice I had to strain to hear, "You know I'm too vain to continue looking like I did, but if I were going to use a glamour charm around you, I'd have done a hell of a lot better than this."  
  
Turning to face my friend for the first since resting my head on his arm, I was startled to be only centimeters from the intricate swirl of silver and blue that raged within his eyes. Moony whimpered at the scent of the salty flesh that was near enough to nuzzle. For long moments we simply stared, each with a different question reflecting in our eyes, until at last he broke the spell, turning once again to seek comfort in the honesty of the stars.  
  
"Your turn" Sirius reminded me, no hint of playfulness softening his voice, "There's a picture of a beautiful female werewolf on your desk.so why in hell am I the one running with Moony and leaving you tea?"  
  
My heart constricted as my long desired love nearly spat the words. Had I really appeared so needy that he felt compelled to return each moon? Did he wish he could finally free himself of the promise he'd made so long ago? Oh sweet Merlin, I though he had enjoyed mine and Moony's company the last two moons. On the verge of calling an end to this charade, I started to speak but Sirius suddenly continued on, his voice changing once more to that of fear and pain.  
  
"Is she dead Re.I know if Moony's mate dies, you'll die .is that it Remy? Am I going to loose you too?"  
  
I didn't have to look at my friend to know there were tears streaming in jagged tracks across chiseled cheekbones to at last drip like raindrops from earlobes my tongue and teeth would eagerly tease and torment.  
  
"I am not dying Sirius, but even if I were, I would never wish for you to continue joining me for the moons if it is only a monthly chore, completed to ease the conscious of a guilty soul. If you do not join me out of love for a friend then let's leave now, for my loneliness will be your concern no longer, and I will ask you not to return again."  
  
"That's not what I meant Remus." the tear choked voice of a man I would never intentionally hurt pierced painfully within my heart and mind, "I just can't believe that there isn't someone with whom you share your life.and love."  
  
"I told you in November that Moony whines and howls for his mate, it's true. But to this mate he is bound by desire alone, he has never nor will he ever be allowed to claim his life partner. It is not a union that was meant to be."  
  
"So you're alone because *Moony* can't have his desired mate?" Sirius's implication of the stupidity of this notion, hung clearly between us.  
"In ancient Roman times, it was believed that there was a vein in the third finger of the left hand that ran directly to the heart. That's the reason that wedding rings are worn as they are." I began hesitantly and immediately could sense Sirius bristling at my side. "I've had the opportunity to wear such a ring twice in the last twelve years. But each time I've walked away." At this point I stopped for a deep breath, pausing intentionally to give my friend time to question me if he wished, there being no indication that any comment was forthcoming, I mustered my shield of control and forged on.  
  
Marta, is the name of the woman in the picture, Siri. I apologize for not telling you about her but we really haven't had much time to chat. And I had forgotten that you know the contents of my home better than I do."  
  
"I'm sorry Re, I shouldn't have gone through."  
  
"It's alright Padfoot," I reassured him honestly, tuning once again the meet the uncertain eyes of a man who thought he'd vastly over stepped his bounds, "If I were angry with you do you think I would be wearing the ring you found."  
  
"Safely buried away," Sirius interrupted, "like the traitor who gave it to you."  
  
"Don't ever say that Paddy," I snapped, angry at myself for allowing him to find it that way, "I was never happy to have you buried away on that island of horrors. I just couldn't look at it. remembering what you said when you gave it to me.I wanted my real star." I admitted, my voice having softened to almost a whisper.  
  
"So how did you meet Marta," Sirius pushed, steering the conversation back to his desired topic.  
  
"I met her in a werewolf detention facility six years ago. Don't ask!" I immediately warned turning glowing eyes on a man who knew better than to challenge me when I allowed the wolf so near, not out of fear for the monster but out of respect for the raw feeling that must exist for me to show such a feral side. Swallowing my repulsion of the memory, I continued on wanting nothing more than to finish this tale as quickly as possible.  
  
"Marta and I got to know each other over the ten months we were detained." I began again, sticking to the simple facts as much as possible. "We were released on the same day.she had no where go, so I took her back to the "werewolf approved" sub-leased flat that Albus had secured for me."  
  
"Cozy" Sirius snapped, the sarcasm in his voice barely outweighing the glare in his narrowed eyes.  
  
"No, not really," I smiled returning the inflection in-kind, then after pulling my self to a sitting position, I nibbled momentarily on a piece of cheese while I searched for the proper words to explain the situation.  
  
"I'm sorry Re," my raven haired friends soft voice and breath tickled across my ear, "I have no right to pry into your life. It's just that.well it was almost always just us.and well.it just seems so strange to imagine you've had this whole life time that I know nothing about. You're still my best friend Remus and I hardly know you!" the confused and lonely wizard that now sat with his arms wrapped around his knees, signed in resignation dropping his chin to his chest.  
  
"Sirius, as I've already told you, you still know me better than anyone else who has been a part of my life. If you let me finish maybe you'll believe I'm telling you the truth." I replied, fighting desperately against the urge to turn and nuzzle the face whose slightly bony chin now rested on my shoulder. Accepting his silent invitation to continue I hurried on, knowing our time was now fleeting.  
  
"Male and female werewolves were kept in separate areas both at night and during the moons. Can't have any were-cubs running around you know," I bristled, unable to keep the resentment from my voice. "So obviously there had never been physical relationship between us. The first moon after she moved in we spent it together in the small re-enforced room that was provided. Honestly I hoped that Moony would give up on his unattainable desire and at least take an interest in Marta's wolf. Unfortunately they hated each other and we both woke up bloody and bruised from the others teeth and claws.  
  
After a few charms and little sleep we managed to help each other to the living room. We were both apologizing and crying in remorse for the damage we'd caused each other.and then we were kissing.then we were in bed.  
  
We tried to spend two more moons together, but it only got worse, so I stayed at the flat and Marta went the werewolf reserve so she could run with the others that lived there."  
  
"Why the hell didn't you go run outdoors with the others" Sirius blurted out.  
  
"Because Moony's too violent Sirius.he's mean and vicious."  
  
"Bullshit he's playful and loving"  
  
"To his pack, Sirius.to his pack." I shouted, turning to meet the equally defiant wizard face to face; not wanting to admit more than necessary but desperately needing my mercifully dense friend to understand that the wolf isn't a playmate.  
  
"Except for the moons we spent the next year together, she was the one who brought up marriage and I agreed."  
  
"Did you love her?"  
  
"I think so.in some ways. I kept telling myself that it was the first time I'd ever been with someone who understood me completely. Someone who knew what I was and understood how important it was for me to be seen for who and not what I am. It was comfortable.and it was a lie." I softly admitted aloud for the fist time. "So two months before the wedding I called it off.  
  
My parents were furious, they couldn't understand how I could throw away a 'chance of a life time' as they called it.  
  
Three months later Marta married a man she met and mated with at the reserve. They're very happy. If you had looked on the book shelf you would have found a picture of me with Marta and Elliot at their wedding."  
  
"I'll have to look for that the next time I'm over." Sirius's sheepish reply could barely be heard above the birds that were rustling quietly in the trees behind us; a warning that our time was almost over.  
  
"So who was the first one Re," Sirius urged pulling me back down to our previously comfortable position.  
  
"Annika" I blushed  
  
"Annika" Sirius sputtered, "the red haired Ravenclaw you wouldn't sha.."  
  
"Yes, that Annika," I broke in, angry and hurt that Sirius had always been so thrilled about trying to get me in bed with any girl he could think of. But my heart had broken with each new detail surrounding the few partners that he had.  
  
"You never understood it did you Siri? Why I never slept with her. Come on Sirius think about it!" I yelled jumping to my feet and pacing back and forth in front of him. "Even at seventeen with raging hormones it's a bit rude to say 'Excuse me for not taking my clothes off.I'll just unzip my pants if that's alright with you'. Oh that's very romantic don't you think? Or I could have used the other approach.. 'oh, never mind all the scars that decorate my damn near translucent skin.oh especially that jagged one that looks like teeth!' . Do you think that would have been better Paddy?  
  
*You* could strip when ever you wanted to Siri and the girls would line up to watch...I didn't have that option." I sighed in defeat, sinking to my knees it front of him.  
  
"What happened with Annika," Sirius asked, gently taking my hand in his.  
  
"She came to see me after you were sent to Azkaban. It was nice to have a friend. We dated for a while and she did okay with the werewolf admission until she saw me after a change. She said she couldn't take caring for me after the moons, and asked me to use the BWA secured facilities. I actually considered it.but I wound up leaving before the next full. She would never have been able to be a mate to me let alone Moony.*he* almost felt sorry for her"  
  
Looking at the beautiful moon kissed face before me I could still see confusion in his stormy starlit eyes.  
  
"You still don't understand why I'm alone do you Paddy." I smiled as he shook his head.  
  
"Sirius, both times I considered marrying it was because it was comfortable.safe.but never right. The wolf was never willing to compromise his heart. but I was. And I finally realized I couldn't do that to myself. I couldn't settle for a maybe just because they knew what I am and didn't run in fear. If *Moony* is willing to wait for the impossible, than so am I. I know my heart and my mind Siri and I'd rather surround myself with the love of friends and family then risk committing myself to someone who simply cured my loneliness, when a life long love is still possible."  
  
Nodding his understanding Sirius finally spoke again "Would you commit yourself to someone other than Moony's desired mate?"  
  
"If I truly loved them I'd be willing to.yes." I answered knowing I would never have to face that decision.  
  
"Remus there's something I need to ask you," Sirius stammered, just as the sound I was dreading echoed in my sensitive ears.  
  
"DAMN IT", I cursed "Come on Siri we need to go *now*!  
  
"But Re."  
  
"No.now! It's already ten past five. We have to go, I promised Albus five o'clock sharp. Hurry Paddy we can't let them see you! Leave everything...hurry," I prodded pulling Sirius along with me to the spot the flu had dropped us. "Take your shoes," I reminded my very confused barefoot friend and threw a handful of floo powder into the flames.  
  
"Remus, thank you so much" Sirius grinned grabbing both of my hands, having already tossed his shoes in his robe. "I'll be back, and I will ask you, but this time it won't be thirteen years," the beautiful man in front of me promised as he hugged me, then jumped into the flames just as I shouted 'Honeydukes'."  
  
Then he was gone and I stood in stunned silence as I realized the scene we'd played thirteen years before had just been reenacted. The clasped hands, the hug...oh god how could I have forgotten that look in his eye the last time he left me.  
  
Drawn from my memory by the sounds of approaching footsteps followed by the creaking of age old wooden doors, I quickly threw a handful of floo powder into the flames, and jumped, never looking behind me. Knowing that of all the beauty of our starlit sanctuary, the only thing that remained was the slowly setting moon, ancient stones and long wooden tables. Cinderella's night was over, but for me, no glass broomstick remained.  
  
"Lupin what are you doing here?" Snape's voice echoed in my mind as I disappeared into the flames. 


End file.
